Tiffany&Earl

Dear Tiffany and Earl, What do you do when you have to tell your parents you've done something stupid? (And I mean, really stupid.) I For reasons that are probably best left unsaid, my brand spankin' new laptop is currently in two halves. I'm dead, dead, dead. What should I do-break it to them gently, lie through my teeth, straight up confess, or something else? Please help!

-One Who is Rapidly Approaching Death

Dear One. . .etc.: (In the future, follow the solemnly promulagated law of advice columns and choose a psuedonym that can be easily abbreviated.) There's a remarkably corny joke that my father loves in which it is decided that the proper way to break bad news to someone is to do so in degrees. For example, if your brother's cat dies while you're watching it you shouldn't call and say, "Hey, your cat's dead." Instead you should ease him into the sad tidings. "Hey, your cat is on the roof," is a better opening. So, you have a laptop that's broken in half. What you don't do is call your parents and say, "My laptop is currently in two halves." Try something more ambiguous, though no less true. "I had to write my paper in the library today since my computer isn't working right now. . .Yeah, I know that it's brand new, I think there might be something wrong with the motherboard…" Your parental unit doesn't need to know that the problem with your motherboard is that it's been snapped in two. Instead, just assure your parents that you will take the computer to get checked out. And really get it checked out, too (we're being honest, remember). Of course you'll get laughed at when you produce the mangled carcass of what was once a top-of-the-line computer, but this will allow you to continue your charade. "Yeah, Mom, I brought it in, but the guy at the computer place said that there's no hope of fixing it." And so you've told your parents the truth, and avoided certain death. …Or you could be honest and just hope that whatever story led to the destruction of the laptop is funny enough that your parents will forgive you and move on. First of all, I can only imagine how this could have happened. I'm sitting here thinking of possible scenarios in which a computer could be unwittingly split in half. I am going to assume that it had something to do with drunken conduct-- perhaps the Jaws of Life and drunken conduct. I wouldn't put it past anyone here. During my second sophomore year a kid who lived down the hall from me urinated on his roommate's computer thinking it was one of those fun Japanese toilets. Last year, my albino roommate gargled half of a bottle of Schnapps and tried to free his computer into the wild, like a dove, off our third story balcony. It was magical (in a pathetic handicapped sort of way) until the HP fell to earth and dripped some kind of bionic liquid all over the sidewalk. Regardless of how you broke your livelihood there is only one quick fix to this problem. First, enlist the help of one Dr. Tad Bowell (he has a time machine and a sheepdog, though the dog's name is Newton, not Einstein). Go back in time to when your parents were in high school and get your mother to fall in love with you by saving your father from getting hit by a car. (Note: You may want to learn how to play Johnny B. Goode for this next part.) Then, try to get them back together at their school dance by getting locked in a trunk and then playing with the band thereby forcing your dad to stick up for himself against the school bully. When they thank you as you are hurrying for your last chance to escape 1955 just ask, "Hey guys, when your son breaks that computer you got him in half by fighting it against a Roomba in an Aderol and mead-induced stupor . . . can you take it easy on him?" They'll say, "(expletive deleted) yeah, we can do that! You know what, we'll even get him a new one. Heck, we'll get him three new ones because we're going to write a sick science fiction novel and make bank."