I'd Like to Thank the Academy

For a second there I thought I wouldn't be able to view the 80th Oscars this Sunday. Thank goodness that's not the case. I exhaled in relief only to gasp in again and feel the sinking pit in my stomach, the revelation that (noooo!) I will not be able to watch the Oscars this year. "Gosh darn it." (I gave up swearing for Lent).

This year's Oscars will hold a special place in the hearts of many, as the writers' strike almost caused its cancellation. And without the red carpet festivities of the Golden Globes this year to satiate shallow appetites for flashy fashion, you bet the 80th Oscars will be an extra popular spectacle.

The best part about watching the Oscars is not, however, the red carpet (in my opinion, it symbolizes all that I hate about Hollywood), or the opening monologue (usually great fun). For me, predicting the winners and seeing how my predictions match up to the names inside the envelopes takes the cake. Again, I will predict the winners, but will also, to compensate for my not watching the ceremony, predict some of the winners' acceptance speeches.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role-Ellen Page (Juno)

"Crap! Yes! I'm pregnant-with joy. Which is so much better than having your eggo preggo, at least if you're an artfully bedraggled burnout of a 16 year old. I was so nervous getting up here-like I haven't taken a dump since like Wednesday morning. So I was looking forward to this being over with, whether or not I won the award. But really I owe this one to Diablo. People want to give me all the credit for creating Juno's character, but that's not right.

(Orchestra starts to play)

"Hey, shut your gob for a second, okay? Silencio old men. Thank you. Thank you. This is the most magnificent piece of metal I've ever received."

Best Motion Picture of the Year /

Best Achievement in Directing/ Best Achievement in Editing-Joel and Ethan Coen (No Country for Old Men)

Joel: "It's tough coming up with fodder enough for one speech, but three. Spare us. Last time we were nominated for Best Picture, Ethan was convinced we would win. That was a decade ago. Is that right? Yes, Fargo. And we lost. Since we began making films, it's never been my or Ethan's goal to make the Kodak podium but it's nice to finally see your work recognized on this scale. Thank you so much. "

Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role-Daniel Day Lewis (There Will Be Blood)

"Critics have commented that you can't win a Best Actor Oscar without portraying someone crazy. I don't know if that's quite true. Turn-of-the-century oilman Daniel Plainview is certainly a misanthrope that loses his humanity. Crazy? Well, Plainview and his antics are more normal for an oil tycoon than you'd think. And you know-oilmen haven't changed much in the last 100 years.

"And for the man who should have won this award two years ago-no offense Phil -I dedicate this award to Heath Ledger."

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role-Javier Bardem (No Country for Old Men)

(with thick Spanish accent) "Contrary to belief, I don't speak much English, I don't drive, and I don't like violence. My English though, I've rehearsed this speech very much, so do not worry, you will understand. Okay. About a year-and-a-half ago Joel and Ethan approached me to play quite a bad man. I immediately told them I hate guns and I don't drive. But I couldn't turn down the role too fast. It was a great script. But it was a scary story about violence. I embody the violence. I am violence itself in the movie, and that's a horrible idea. Never before was I so happy to be done with a role, so this I consider the official putting of Chigurh to rest. Thank you."

Art Direction-Jack Fisk (There Will Be Blood)

"Thank you, thank you, thank you so much. I'd first like to thank the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences for giving me this award. I'd like to thank Paul Thomas Anderson, whose vision really created a masterpiece. I'd like to also thank Tony Cravitz, Ron Shankwick my production designer, Bob Spiederson from NuWave, Gordon Thompson, Phil Stevens, Paul Henderson, George Conard, Bill Buesen, Jesus, Luke DePanelli, Todd Sampino, Randy Hulsen, Greg Janson, and my older brother, Will, who is here tonight. Finally I'd like to thank my partner Stacy who has always been there for me and who is just the best life partner you could imagine. Again, thank you. Thank you."