Give It Up Already, Simpsons

"Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover."

Such were the reverent words once uttered by Homer Simpson towards his most dependable of companions: the television.

And while Homer's TV-centric tendencies may (somewhat) exceed our own couch potato-ing, boob-tubing lifestyles, his words of praise ring true for countless individuals who spend hours every day in front of that little magic box.

Shows like The Simpsons tout unquestionable influence on the lives of viewers around the world—not only the most avid of watchers, but also those countless individuals who have been tackled by the show's mercilessly ubiquitous marketing and cultural omnipresence for the past two decades.

Speaking for myself: The Simpsons permeated absolutely every aspect of my childhood.

That is why I am standing up on my Cowl soapbox right now to deliver a sermon (eulogy, perhaps?) for The Simpsons. Here I will lament that this once-exquisite institution has turned into, well, everything that I hate.

Growing up, The Simpsons was like a family member that came around for 22 minutes every Sunday evening and brought us joy, laughter, and yellow, four-fingered fun.

That family member has grown very old, very obnoxious, and is very much overstaying its welcome. In fact, at this point, The Simpsons would be better off dying.

The franchise has become so tragically tainted that I must bask in the glow of the show's glory days of yore in order to reflect on its impact on my life. Some of my best memories have their roots in Simpsons trivia…

Like when the Northington clan used to play 20 Questions on those interminable car rides, and I would always lose after one question…because the only subject I ever chose was Hans Moleman.

Or the time I was petrified of taking photographs at Disney World for fear I would spurn a violent robotic uprising among the Animatronic figures, à la the episode where the Simpsons visited Itchy and Scratchy Land.

Or the hours of my life spent reading Simpsons episode guides. Or the arduous days I spent trying to beat that awesome Simpsons computer game (which, I am proud to say, I still play on my laptop here at PC). Or the thousands of dollars in quarters I spent playing Simpsons pinball at the arcade.

The show is still topical, and it is still relevant; that much is not to be denied. But the way that The Simpsons goes about asserting its cultural relevance nowadays is embarrassingly obvious. It's as if the writers themselves are no longer convinced of their aptitude, and feel the need to bash their audience's skulls with mind-numbingly cheap humor and stale, mechanical, and recycled material. Subtlety has been thrown out the window, replaced by cheap cracks and base humor appealing to the viewing audience's least intellectual of sensibilities.

The Simpsons' writers used to believe in its viewers—they employed subtlety and a brand of humor that made you think. Until the late '90s The Simpsons' writers diligently refused to dumb down the program for the "benefit" of the general populace.

Those days, my friends, are gone.

The charm of old-school Simpsons was that the show didn't need to be over-the-top: Its genius lay in its simplicity along with the discerning shrewdness of its writing staff. Nowadays, every other episode boasts some cheesy marketing scheme. Famous celebrities will voice themselves on the show, or the Simpson family will be doing something simply absurd, such as competing in the Winter Olympics.Wow.

Week after week, the writers, hungry to return The Simpsons to its former stature at the pinnacle of pop culture, shove disgustingly contrived plotlines down the viewing public's throats.

Commercialism isn't to blame for The Simpsons' downward decline; the show has been almost sickeningly commercialized since its beginnings back in December 1989—its rampant advertising campaigns predate the existence of the sitcom itself (the show began as a sketch on The Tracey Ullman Show in 1988).

But there was a time when The Simpsons had the right to be plastered on everything from underwear to toothpaste to video games, to just about anything else you can think of—a time when The Simpsons damn well deserved the world's undivided attention.

The final contributor to my vendetta against The Simpsons franchise was their blasphemous act of moving to the big screen, thereby becoming the sellout of all sellouts. The show reached well beyond its means in 2007 with the release of The Simpsons Movie, which stands firmly at the top of my list of "Movies To Never, Ever, Ever See...Ever."

The extent of my knowledge about this movie is the word "Spiderpig," a concept so atrociously unfunny that it makes me shiver with rage to even type out. Fortunately, it serves to prove my point about The Simpsons being dumbed down—to a nauseating extent.

The best Simpsons seasons, without a doubt, were Three through Eight: the Golden Years. During Seasons One and Two The Simpsons was still struggling to find its groove—but every single episode from Seasons Three through Eight is a gem (I defy any and all readers to refute this claim).

There have been a few (very few)diamonds in the rough since Season Eight, but I stand by my assertion that the only episodes worth repeat views fall within this time frame. They are forever quotable, forever relevant, and forever irreplaceable in our hearts and minds.