Tiffany & Earl

Dear Tiffany & Earl,

My boyfriend is pro-life and I am pro-choice. This had never been an issue in our relationship until we got back from Winter Break and were considering consummating things. We were talking about hypothetiocals. For example, if I got pregnant I would get an abortion because I am not ready to be a mother. The day after our argument he boarded a bus to participate in The March for Life. I really like my boyfriend but how can we work through this?

Sincerely,

Having Second Thoughts

Dear Overthinker,

It seems silly to consider breaking up with a boyfriend you love just because you don't agree on some political issue that has been a point of dissension since…well, forever. It's almost as ridiculous as quitting your job and joining some hedonistic cult of naked women because the world might end in 2012. You become like that family from Blast from the Past that hides in a bomb shelter for years, subsisting on cans of peas because they think the Russians have taken over America. See what happens when you live your life based on hypotheticals?

Although theoretically this may be considered a matter of life and death (for the unborn fetus you may or may not end up carrying in your womb), the fact of the matter is that you aren't pregnant, and therefore, your opinions have no basis in real life. You are arguing over an imaginary issue, which makes you sound like a couple of bickering philosophers, and we all know how that ends…oh wait, it doesn't. That's why they Sartre blathers on in his 750 page books, attempting to make a point but never quite doing so. My advice: Save the debating for your ethics class, buy some condoms, and get back to the good stuff.

Tiffany

Dear Thought,

Couple of problems. Firstly, who unironically calls it "consummating," you overwrought poopgrinner. Secondly, you probably should have resolved this issue before calling each other Boyfriend and Girlfriend. That's a lot of Commitment. Did you already start holding hands or are you only at the blushing and note-passing stage? Because a couple incapable of having a mature conversation is a couple unworthy of enjoying the sensual fruits of human love. You don't get to perform adult acts if you don't act like adults. It's the law.

Furthermore if you are actually worried enough about motherhood now, you should consider Googling the word "contraception." And if you still mess up and get baby'd up, you'll just have to deal with that Real World Problem without your buddy Earl's help because Earl has never been pregnant and doesn't plan on trying it.

Talk to the Bee Eff about your beef with his views on babies and souls and like whatever. If you guys have irreconcilable differences, you can organize a Facebook divorce. You're a chick so you're probably always babbling about open communication, etc., etc. This is when it actually matters. Texting each other little hearts and changing your profile pictures to each other's faces is not meaningful dialogue, but Abortion Chat is.

Earl