2008 Woodie Awards
Sign of the Apocalypse #2857: Terror on the Telephone
Lindsay Wengloski '10
Issue date: 10/2/08 Section: Portfolio
I've gotten in the nasty habit of lying to semi-innocent people lately when I'm annoyed. Take, for example, the lady who answered the phone at a pizza place recently. Now I'm sure she's probably an all-around swell person, but-and this is a big 'but'-she pushed me over the edge.
To start with, I was put on hold for a grand total of fifteen minutes. Telephone limbo is perfectly understandable when the place is super busy and there just aren't enough people to do everything. But the limbo I happened to be dumped into was one where the lady taking orders was too busy talking on her cell phone to her boyfriend, who apparently was steadfastly refusing to take out the trash back at the ol' homestead, to bother with customers. Wow, that was a run-on.
So after sitting there listening to this woman tell Lazy Boyfriend to take out the trash, "Or else!" for a few minutes, I hung up and tried again. Same thing. And again.
Pizza Lady: Do you mind holding?
Me: Umm, that's what I've been doing for the past eight minutes already. So yes-I do mind.
Pizza Lady: Please hold.
And then I died a little bit inside.
Eventually, after aging 20 years and spiking up my blood pressure for a few minutes, I placed an order. I waited the allotted 30 minutes. And then I waited an extra 15 minutes, because I'm nice. No pizza. Cue the melancholy soundtrack. I called to check the status report.
The Pizza Lady, who was either listening to her Lazy Boyfriend still explain why he can't/won't/is philosophically indisposed to take out the trash, said that it was en route. Groovy.
Another 15 minutes went by and there was still no pizza.
Enter The Gratuitous Lie.
Me: Hi, I'm calling again to check up on my pizza. It was supposed to be delivered 30 minutes ago, and I normally wouldn't care too much, but I have a very serious medical condition.
Needless to say, the pizza arrived promptly after that conversation.
Now I told you about that lie so you'd understand this lie.
To start with, I was put on hold for a grand total of fifteen minutes. Telephone limbo is perfectly understandable when the place is super busy and there just aren't enough people to do everything. But the limbo I happened to be dumped into was one where the lady taking orders was too busy talking on her cell phone to her boyfriend, who apparently was steadfastly refusing to take out the trash back at the ol' homestead, to bother with customers. Wow, that was a run-on.
So after sitting there listening to this woman tell Lazy Boyfriend to take out the trash, "Or else!" for a few minutes, I hung up and tried again. Same thing. And again.
Pizza Lady: Do you mind holding?
Me: Umm, that's what I've been doing for the past eight minutes already. So yes-I do mind.
Pizza Lady: Please hold.
And then I died a little bit inside.
Eventually, after aging 20 years and spiking up my blood pressure for a few minutes, I placed an order. I waited the allotted 30 minutes. And then I waited an extra 15 minutes, because I'm nice. No pizza. Cue the melancholy soundtrack. I called to check the status report.
The Pizza Lady, who was either listening to her Lazy Boyfriend still explain why he can't/won't/is philosophically indisposed to take out the trash, said that it was en route. Groovy.
Another 15 minutes went by and there was still no pizza.
Enter The Gratuitous Lie.
Me: Hi, I'm calling again to check up on my pizza. It was supposed to be delivered 30 minutes ago, and I normally wouldn't care too much, but I have a very serious medical condition.
Needless to say, the pizza arrived promptly after that conversation.
Now I told you about that lie so you'd understand this lie.
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