Prepare yourself. The Oprahcalypse—the downfall of pop culture as we know it—is coming. According to the experts, the end of days was set in motion when Oprah Winfrey announced that she would be retiring from television after the airing of her last show on Sept. 9, 2011. Never before did middle-aged women collapse into such non-menopausal despair. And then another sign appeared: Justin Bieber was granted his own movie. Never Say Never stole the hearts and weekly allowances of America’s tweens, bringing in $72 million for the Biebster to spend on hair products and whatever medication delays puberty.Read More
Let’s not even get into that ridiculous business about only using 10 or 20 percent of our brains. Limitless posits the existence of a little clear pill called NZT that unlocks our hidden potentials. One pill a day and suddenly you see patterns in vast amounts of data and your logical processes accelerate to relativistic rates that would make Einstein blush. The world quickly becomes your proverbial oyster. You are limitless. However, among the side effects of NZT are memory lapses, and the withdrawal is a killer, literally. But highest on this list of side effects is hubris, which we’ll get to later.Read More
We sat on Lila’s overstuffed velvet coach. She bustled about in the kitchen (or should I say kitchen corner—her entire apartment was just one large room with her toilet and bathtub concealed by a room separator) as Grady and I were left to our own devices. He, of course, sat upright, hands folded on his lap, and stared straight ahead. He leaned against the back of the coach, tired and weary from our narrow escape from the patrolman. We somehow managed to escape through a back exit, hide in a dirt pit in the forest as Prime Minister Braden’s men scoured for us with dogs, and took the first portal to the human realm in the morning. We, following Tabitha’s instructions, found Lila’s apartment and told her we needed to use her phone after a car accident. We had yet to tell her the truth.Read More
I found a port of ancient vice,
A whole town built of steel and rice,
Whose whores have all the money
and whose kids have the lice,
And whose eyes resemble barren pools of ice.
Where ships set down and sailors float
Down the ashen avenues from their iron boats
(As hard as they pretend to be,
they tremble as they dote
On the corpses in the gutters as they bloat).
Where the drunk take from the poor and lame
To fund their rotten poker games
In dirty dives that look the same,
Get drunker still, and drink to shame.
Where down the wharves the rats all dance,
Health is for the happy and survival goes to chance;
You might begin discerning faces with a tertiary glance
Before they fade out in that fishy phantom trance.
Where tongueless tramps all curse and scream
At dry rot junks sliding down the stream
While the maggots mumble and the sewers steam,
Augmenting the bad and blighted dream.
We all hobble down the starless sky,
We pick and scratch at our wooden eyes,
And pluck our ears off when the cockerels cry,
But no one isn’t ready to die.Read More
“Why…why…why?” she thought to herself as she maneuvered around the puddles in her Converses. She should have listened to her horoscope when it told her to stay in bed. She had to at least try, though. She owed herself that much. So what if she came in looking like a wet dog? It wasn’t that much different than what she normally looked like anyway. So, she pulled her hood tighter over her head and continued on her way. A week ago she never would’ve thought she would be in this position, but then again, a lot happened that week that she never thought would’ve happened. Just when she was turning the corner, about to reach her destination, a car swooped by and she was soaked to the bone. “And I thought it couldn’t get any worse,” she mumbled. She walked forward, pushed open the door, and was met by a bone-crushing embrace.Read More
After weeks of campaigning and two days of voting, the student body chose the Executive Boards of Student Congress, Board of Programmers, and Board of Multicultural Student Affairs for the 2011-2012 academic year. Nearly 1,3000 students took part in the Executive Elections, and shortly after the ANGEL poll closed, the results were announced to the student body via e-mail.Read More