November 12, 2019

Ray Good Gives Freshman Repulsive Deformity

posted on: Thursday September 30, 2010

Megan Costello ’12/Commentary Staff

On Saturday morning at exactly 9:02 and five seconds, Gary Saunders, a five-time freshman at Providence College, consumed a Raymond Hall Cafeteria fajita. It was soon to be his last. The fajita, which consisted of typical fajita contents, omitted a peculiar odor not unlike that of a Dunkin Donuts trashcan. The fajita had a suspicious purple tint to it, which Gary dismissed due to his ongoing battle with color blindness. Upon consuming the deformed fajita, Gary began to show bizarre symptoms. He started ranting enthusiastically about the deliciousness of Ray cafeteria food. He even went up for a second helping of Ray’s styrofoam bagels.

His peers later expressed their concern about his odd behavior.

“It was unlike anything I’ve ever heard before,” announced freshman-15 victim Bradley Santos, “Ray cafeteria and positivity.”

“We suspect he was under the influence of illegal substances,” said a solemn-faced random freshman.

Two hours later, in the seclusion of his dejected dorm room, Gary noticed a hole forming in his neon green bodysuit. Upon removing the suit, Gary was alarmed to see a suspicious bump erupting from the left side of his belly button. The bump was purple and it was disgusting. Gary waited until the bump started twitching spastically before he bothered to call 911. When the EMT finally arrived 3.024 minutes later, Gary was operated on immediately, despite the disgusted complaints of his unimportant roommate. After extensive analysis of the deformity, which was removed from Gary’s body, doctors suspected the bump was the growth of a third arm. This suspicion was never confirmed because the doctors had more important people to attend to and found the bump analysis dull. Gary did not eat Raymond Cafeteria food again that day. At the end of the day, we can only say that Gary Saunders experienced an enigma envied by no one. Gary’s doctors were radical enough to suggest that the majority of Providence College students immediately switch to the zero-meal plan at Ray to limit the number of weird casualties. Unfortunately, dorm residents are required to have at a minimum the 15-meal-plan, so Raymond Cafeteria decided to stop making fajitas. It is likely that this tragedy will occur again sometime within this millennium. So beware Providence College students: this probably won’t happen to you.

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