June 6, 2020

The Tour de Frauds

posted on: Thursday February 25, 2010

Chris Slavin ’12 / Asst. Commentary Editor

Giving tours of this campus is a risky business. Prospective incoming freshmen are eager to know what they are getting themselves into for the next four years of their lives, and parents are eager to find out why exactly they should pay such a ludicrous sum of money for a liberal arts education. Not that we have much to hide here at PC, but such important tours have a tremendous margin of error. We leave the duty of selling Providence College to the guys and gals in those sharp-looking white blazers. We trust them to sell our school, and they seem to do a good job of it, but not without, as I will suggest, some crafty language and navigation around the ugly truth. “Hello everyone! Welcome to Providence College, my name is Ryan Gomes and I will be your tour guide this afternoon. Whoops! Did I say my name is Ryan Gomes? That must have accidentally slipped out because Ryan Gomes, yes, the current National Basketball Association player, Ryan Gomes, did attend this college. Before we begin I would like to confirm that this is the very same Providence College that defeated No. 1 ranked Pittsburgh in men’s Division 1 basketball last year. You heard it right, folks. Our basketball team beat the no. 1 ranked team in the country last February. Any questions so far? Fantastic. Now, behind me you see our latest project here at PC, the renovated Slavin Center glass atrium entrance. It has many purposes, and was in no way only built to be visually pleasing and allure prospective students and their parents. Doesn’t it just scream cutting-edge architecture? If there are no questions, we will continue our tour onward.””Coming up on your left we have Raymond Hall Cafeteria. Now, I realize that the dining situation is a critical factor in evaluating a campus for all of you. Perhaps a statistic will tell you what you need to know about Raymond Hall Cafeteria. Would anyone care to guess what percentage of Providence College students have died of starvation since the College’s founding in 1917? Anyone? Five percent? Three percent, maybe? ZERO PERCENT OF PROVIDENCE COLLEGE STUDENTS HAVE DIED OF STARVATION IN THE NEARLY 100 YEARS OF THE SCHOOL’S EXISTENCE. I’ll let that overwhelmingly impressive fact sink in. Zero percent, ladies and gentlemen. Here at Providence College, we do it the right way—we feed our students. End of story. Current Minnesota Timberwolves forward Ryan Gomes did not starve during his four years here, and now look at him. Ladies and gentleman, let us continue onward.””Okay gang, coming up at the bottom of the hill to the right is Guzman Hall, an all male freshman dormitory. Now, what distinguishes this dorm from the other male dorms is that the boys in Guzman particularly like to stay up late. If any of you young men here refuse to conform to traditional early bedtimes, Guzman is the dorm for you. Staying up late defines Guzman—it is what Guzman does. If Guzman residents are guilty of a crime, it is burning the midnight oil, ladies and gentleman. Yes, sir, you have a question? Ah, indeed, here are a few of the dorm’s natives now. Yes, sir, it would appear that they are stumbling and carrying on in a drunken stupor, and yes, it is only 2:30 in the afternoon, but I assure you that these young gentleman are merely tired from staying up to all hours of the night, most likely in a study group. Study groups are very popular here at Providence College, and yes, we did defeat no. 1 ranked Pittsburgh in basketball last season.””Behind me you see Davis and Bedford, apartment buildings offering an alternate on-campus living option for upper classmen. I would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that Providence College does a tremendous job practicing and preserving the values of the Dominican tradition. Yes, the woman in the back has a question. Well, umm, yes madam, it would appear that the two individuals in that window are indeed engaging in sexual activity. Not to worry though folks, I suspect that these two scholars are merely practicing a more hands-on study method for a biology exam. We boast an esteemed biology department here at PC. And, rest assured, I can guarantee you that this study team is not using a condom, as we have deemed condoms the works of the devil here at PC, and they are therefore forbidden. Did I mention Ryan Gomes of the National Basketball Association went here?”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *