October 24, 2020

Tiff & Earl: Bio-chem You Not?

posted on: Thursday November 12, 2015

Disclaimer: The Tiffany & Earl feature is a satirized account of Providence College. Both the question and answers are purely works of fiction. Tiffany & Earl are anti-heroes whose comments ultimately satirize the stereotypes they each represent.

Dear Tiffany and Earl, ​

This is my second semester taking Organic Chemistry. I dropped it my second semester freshman year but it doesn’t seem to be making a difference now. I had a test last week and the rest of my group of  guy friends were going out. They tried talking me into going out even though I had to study for this test. They were like, “Come on man, what are you going to remember, the night out or this test?” I was like, “I’m going to remember if I get a 45 on this test. I’ve already dropped the class once.” They wouldn’t take no for an answer, though. How can I get them to understand that sometimes I really need to study?

Bio-Major-Problems

Dear Orgo Clubs Baby Seals,

First off, I pray that you survive the burning lake of sulfur that is orgo. Second, your friends are right. Everyone inevitably fails orgo. I mean who is the one nerd who passes orgo? Can you say NERDDDDDD (or brilliant prodigy…or cheater). Let me put it this way, if everyone gets a 45 in the class the professor will have to scale the tests! That means you all get 100’s! John Stuart Mill teaches us that a civil society must operate on the basis of utility. It is clearly most utile if you and the other students collude (not legal advice) to all get 45’s on the test so that the curve is so astronomically high that you all get A’s!

Orgo is just one (or two) semester(s) of your now miserable and morally ambiguous college life. Your friends are 5eva! Or they are friends until they take your jeans without asking you and then covertly slip them back into your drawer with coffee stains and then claim they didn’t do it, only for you to see Facebook pictures of them drinking White Russians with your ex. From there you lose all trust in that person and you guys “take a break” from being friends, but the stress of a friend “break” makes you realize you were a better person without them in the first place and you just buy new jeans just like how you got new friends. Just like how Earl is a washed up old hag with a creepy 1970s mustache who will never find anyone as good as me again. Die.

Idk just drop orgo.

Love,
Tiff

Dear Doing-College-Wrong,

Well, your first mistake was probably going to a liberal arts school to study…something not liberal artsy. Your second mistake was being a biology major, because seriously, what’s the point? Your third mistake is that you haven’t learned from your previous semesters. I’m assuming all of your friends are finance, management, marketing, or economics majors. You know, those ones that have no challenges whatsoever. Sure, they don’t understand that people with real majors can’t go out five days a week most of the semester like they can. But even the easy majors have exams once in a while and they usually require at least five minutes of studying. So what you should do (and really should have done in the past) is insist on going out during finals week. Just do all your work a week early, then go par-tay! Then you can laugh while they’re failing all of their 2+2=4 exams.

The Earl of Eaton Street,
Earl

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