October 24, 2020

Tiff & Earl: Commuter Probs

posted on: Thursday November 19, 2015

Disclaimer: The Tiffany & Earl feature is a satirized account of Providence College. Both the question and answers are purely works of fiction. Tiffany & Earl are anti-heroes whose comments ultimately satirize the stereotypes they each represent.

Dear Tiff & Earl,

I am a commuter who lives off campus and drives to class every day. It might save money, but it’s making me a social pariah! All of my friends who live on campus tell these inside jokes that I don’t get, and they act very differently around me, like I’m always out of the loop! I don’t want to live on campus, but I want to be able to participate in conversations! Can you teach me how to act like a regular PC student?

Confused Car Driver

Dear Untouchable,

Being a Providence College student is not taught. You are either born with it or not. If you are not born as a Vineyard Vines, Brooks Brothers, and Ralph-Lauren-wearing robot you clearly are not cut out to be a PC kid. I cannot teach you to be a PC kid, just as I cannot teach an elephant to be a whale.

In all seriousness, it is not you living off campus that is making you a social pariah—it is obviously your vodka-funneling friends who need to check themselves. Here is my solution for you: step one, pour said vodka down the drain and replace it with unfermented potato juice; step 2, watch them “get drunk”; step 3, profit. You may be asking how this helps you…I can tell you that this will be the first step you take in getting rid of your dumb friends in the most fabulous way possible.

Once you get rid of your friends you won’t have to worry about any of this! No more inside jokes, no more out of the loop days, and no more feeling like a social pariah. No friends = no problems. Genius Tiff is genius. If you really want friends, buy some cats or just make friends with other commuters. Or better yet, you can worship me, Tiff, Goddess of Friendship, Fashion, and other F words. Worshipping me = instant PC popularity. The Church may warn us of idolatry, but is it really idolatry if I am this perfect? Probably, but that is why we have indulgences-—so you can sin and then pay for forgiveness (although I think they have been free for the past few hundred years; EVEN BETTER, YOU CAN WORSHIP ME WITHOUT CONSEQUENCE).

Your Sociable Socialite,

Dear Confused-and-should-therefore-not-be-on-the-road-Car  Driver,

Isn’t the answer obvious? Spend all of your time at PC. ALL of your time. You’re already here for classes, which we all know take too much time as it is, so just find a friend who you can crash with every now and then and refuse to leave. You won’t miss any inside jokes once you’ve forced your way inside. Have you seen how big these dorms are? Your adoptive roommates probably won’t even notice you’re there. Trust me, once you’re in a residence hall at 2 a.m. on a weekend, you will learn all about how regular PC students act.

-Earl “lives-in-a-big-apartment” McProvidence

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