October 24, 2020

Tiff & Earl: Grabby Roommates

posted on: Thursday November 5, 2015

Disclaimer: The Tiffany & Earl feature is a satirized account of Providence College. Both the question and answers are purely works of fiction. Tiffany & Earl are anti-heroes whose comments ultimately satirize the stereotypes they each represent.

Dear Tiff and Earl,

It is my first year and I chose my roommate by lottery. We started getting along well; we got involved with BMSA, have two classes together, and we go to the gym together. But several weeks ago I realized one of my pairs of jeans was missing. They are a really nice pair and I saw them in her laundry basket two weeks ago. I asked her if she borrowed them but she denied it. When I asked again she got defensive and now I have no idea where my jeans are?! I don’t want to accuse her of stealing but she needs to return my designer jeans! Please help!


Dear Soon To Commit Jean Related Homicide,

Your choice is clear. You can be a pushover and let this thief get away with a crime most heinous: the theft of the sacred jeans of sisterhood. Or, and stay with me, you can take all her jeans and donate them, slash them, bleach them, and/or burn them. This way she never messes with you again and you can potentially clothe very many jeanless people.  When she asks you, “Where are my jeans?” you can simply respond with, “I don’t know where they are.” I mean if you choose to donate them, this technically isn’t a lie as there is a very good possibility they are half way across the world and you very well don’t know where they are.

Freshmen year roommates rarely work out and if they do it is because too many of us look the other way when they steal our jeans…money…wallet…food…friends…family. Should you want to confront this roommate again I suggest you bring in bear mace. Don’t actually spray her with it. Just wave it around and if she continues to deny it, spray all her food with it, and if she continues to inflict herself with such pain again then spray her in the eyes. She can’t steal jeans if she can’t see.

In a court of law you may be charged with aggravated assault. Clearly you were acting out of self-defense. Clearly she was the one who threatened you first. I mean her credit card shows charges for bear mace, correct? Maybe she buys you new jeans and a matching top in addition to returning your designer jeans and we forget this whole thing ever happened? (Not legal advice.)

Stand your ground,

Dear Pushover Friend,

Hold on, I’m trying to get a grip on this one. There’s this pair of jeans you like. You don’t currently own said pair of jeans. You know where said pair of jeans are. Why has it never crossed your mind to steal them back?? You’re getting off easy for now if you ask me. If these jeans are as good as you say, in another two weeks those jeans are going to be snatched out of the laundry by some random girl who also just has to have them and then you’ll have no idea where they are. The first rule of stealing (or was it the seventh?) is to always steal at the first opportunity because you may never get that opportunity again. To use a baseball term, never get caught flat-footed. (Or leave your starting pitcher in too long against the Royals. Suck it, Mets.)

Earl Sticky-Hands

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