October 24, 2020

Tiff & Earl: The Crow’s Nest

posted on: Thursday October 8, 2015

Disclaimer: The Tiffany & Earl feature is a satirized account of Providence College. Both the question and answers are purely works of fiction. Tiffany & Earl are anti-heroes whose comments ultimately satirize the stereotypes they each represent.

Dear Tiffany and Earl, ​

Over the past couple years, I’ve been noticing the little crow’s nest on the front of Harkins. Whenever I search inside for the way to get to it, though, I always get lost or end up stuck at a locked door. How do I get myself onto that little balcony without getting lost in the Chamber of Secrets in the process?

Sincerely,
Moaning Myrtle

Dear I’m Cho Chang Y’all,

The last time the Chamber of Secrets (toward the balcony) was opened almost 50 years ago, a business student was murdered.

Should you be morally ambiguous enough to risk the death of another business student you first must steal the Martyr’s Map from the desk of headmaster Dumbleshanley. From there utter the words, “I solemnly swear I am drunk.” The map will then reveal a map which you can not only use to find a path toward the chamber’s balcony, but also stalk all your exes.

In order to open said balcony door itself, say the following sentence in Latin: “Death to the heretics.” The door to the balcony should open. Be sure to bring your wand, because you may run into the serpent that tempted Adam and Eve.

BTW,  you totes didn’t hear it from me.

Best,
Sister Gilderoy Lockfart

Dear Seamus Finnigan,

Obviously you’re getting stuck at the door. If you can’t speak Parseltounge, you can’t get in, duh. What, you thought Bishop Salazar Harkins wanted every student to be able to get in? Only the Heir of Harkins alone would be able to open the Crow’s Nest and unleash the horror within, and by so doing, purge the school of all those who, in Harkins’ view, are unworthy to study liberal arts.

The Crow’s Nest, of course, is said to be home to something which the Heir of Harkins alone can control. It is said to be home…to a monster. So if you hear any threatening hissing noises, and no one from Friars Club is nearby, it’s probably safe to assume that the monster has been unleashed and we’re all doomed.

If such a scenario were to be played out, I’m afraid it would be the end of Providence College.  Good job, first year.

Earl

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