August 18, 2017

Tiffany and Earl

Photo courtesy of savvysassymoms.com

Photo courtesy of savvysassymoms.com

Dearest Tiffany and Earl,

How do I deflect the dreaded, yet inevitable, “what are your plans for after graduation?” question this Thanksgiving?

Sincerely,

Senyahs

Dear Scared Seniors,

Talk about politics. I know that sounds insane because politics is the last possible thing in the world that you want to discuss with your family right now, but  isn’t explaining to your parents that climate change is dangerous for the 1,000th time better than figuring out what you’re going to do with your life when you’re three glasses of wine deep (and over 21 years old)?

Seriously. When your super conservative aunt asks how you could possibly still be single at this point in your life, ask her how she possibly could have voted for Donald Trump. The ensuing chaos at the table will drive your future from her mind, leaving you in the clear.

If, however, you want to avoid negative conversations altogether, try switching the conversation to universally likable things. Start playing the song “Hello” by Adele or bring up Paul Rudd. Either way, your inevitable fate will be pushed off for another holiday. You’re on your own during Christmas.

-Tiff

Dear Young Adult on the Cusp of the Real World,

Answer their question with a question of your own. Flip the script on them and put them on the spot. “What did you do after graduation, Auntie Susie? If that is your real name? Are you happy with how your life turned out? Is this everything you ever wanted? Or, did the unbearable weight of reality inevitably crush your dreams forcing you to settle for mediocrity?” Dear old Auntie Susie, or whatever the name of the offender that presents you with such a daunting question, will be so awestruck that they will probably run into the bathroom and spend the rest of the day sobbing and your mother will shout, “Nice going Earl, you ruined Thanksgiving!” I stand by the success rate of this method, it never fails…to ruin Thanksgiving and the self-esteem of your relatives.

-Earl

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