by Portfolio Co-Editor on October 18, 2018
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
I always feel like I never know what’s happening on campus, and I refuse to read the Morning Mail. How do I find out what the word is?
Sincerely, Lonely Larry
Dearest Larry,
Obviously, you only have one option—stake yourself out in all the prime gossip spots to hear what’s the latest scuttlebutt. Hiding places include: the ice cream cooler in the Eaton St. Café, the trash bins by the steps of Ray, hanging from the side of the library, and levitating inside the flame, just to name a few. If that fails, try learning how to speak squirrel—those buggers don’t sit there staring at you for nothing, y’know.
Good luck!
Tiff
Dear Loser Larry,
If you’re looking for something to do, just follow people around as they are leaving your dorm. Find out where they are going, and pretend you’re invited to the party. If anyone calls you out on it, consider that you didn’t have much to lose anyway.
Unfortunately,
Earl