posted on: Thursday February 28, 2013
Dear Tiffany and Earl,
I’m a freshman, and I’m a bit of a loner and really shy. I currently live in Dore, and I really want to live in Aquinas or Meagher next year. Do I have a chance of finding nice, normal roommates?
Sincerely, Wanting to be Cool in School
The devil is in the details. How can I possibly help you if I don’t know anything about you? I can only assume, judging by the lack of interest that even you have shown in yourself, that you are an incredibly boring person and a veritable snooze-fest. Consider this: Go to Savers, explore the inventory of moldy bread, toaster-sinks, and doo-dads, and try to learn from the beautiful madness. Get into character. Try to identify with the creepy characters in the corner. Ponder what person donated the fuchsia dinosaur suit. What were their hopes? What were their dreams? What caused that stain dangerously close to the reptile’s nether regions? Improvise. Innovate. Explore. Who knows, you might discover that you were a fly in a former life, that you repressed a forbidden relationship with your physics teacher, or that you’re actually a Buddhist monk and have no business at this school. Just dive into the deep, grasshopper, and let that imagination wander.
So you are looking for a roomie, basically. That’s cool. I just so happen to have an available bed for you next year. The bed is my bed. So we’d be sharing it. The bed, I mean. Are you cool with that? You sound like a cool girl. Let’s be cool together. In my bed. It’ll be so cool. Sometimes I have little contractions in my sleep and spazz around a little, but it’s all cool. Just relax and be comfortable. Maybe a beautiful, intimate, tender moment will ensue, or maybe not. Either way, you need a super cool social roommate (me), and I need a super cool, socially-inexperienced bedfellow. Don’t worry about the shyness. Your big buddy Earl is going to bring out your wild side, as it were. I can open up whole new horizons. Remember, college is for experimentation, and young bodies are flexible. We can explore the whole realm of social interactions. In my bed. Together.