September 26, 2020

Tiffany & Earl: Stuffing my face with chocolate

posted on: Thursday April 24, 2014

Dear Tiffany and Earl,

All of my friends got a copy of Frozen from the Easter Bunny. But all he decided to bring me was a stupid chocolate egg and Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas. It’s not even Christmas! Why me? Is the Easter Bunny out to get me?

Sincerely,
Stuffing my face with chocolate

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Dear Pedofreak,

Drop the chocolate before you break out and get fat; nobody likes to see a beached whale with a pizza face bubbling in the summer sun. Blubber is so not chic, and you’ll totally reek.

I honestly have no idea why you’re kvetching at me right now; this Frozen garbage is clearly overrated. TBH, I listen to that demonic “Let It Go” song when I’m sitting over the toilet, fingers (or toothbrush, depending on the day) down my throat trying to let it all go, thinking about lardbutts like you while I try to get my bangin’ beach bod back; that’s how bad the song is…I don’t even need the fingers (or toothbrush) to graze my uvula, hearing that creepy elfish song is enough to prompt me to let my feta and grilled chicken pizza or my one too many shots of Burnett’s all go.

And no, I do not want to friggin’ build a snowman. The best part of that movie? The sass of the “OK bye.” Love that. Too quiche. Trust me, you’re better off with an Enchanted Christmas because at least Belle is a classic, timeless beauty with brains, and does not sound like she’s possessed by some freaky pedophiliac time warp demon when she sings.

Nonetheless, I question your entire life. Best token of Tiff advice: drop the chocolate, or just “Let It Go” (into the toilet…after you eat it), ditch the Disney, and ask for some Chanel.
…OK bye.

XOXO

– Tiffany

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Dear Elmer Fudd,

To quote the late Leslie Chow, from the horrific and terrifying second Hangover movie, “I’m sorry you’re having a bad day, did you die today?” Do you blame the bunny for the confusion? When you examine the holidays through a philosophic and analytical eye the holidays are so similar. Anyone with a basic Civ…err I mean…PC degree would know that. What separates the holidays is the commercialization of America.

You see Christmas is supposed to be a celebration of Christ’s birth. Not just a celebration of supporting big business, stampeding Wal-Marts, and Mariah Carey defying age with her hotness.

And Easter is a celebration of Christ’s rebirth. It is him beating death, and beating the Romans. He is taking Earth for a rebirth; a second chance. And not a second chance like Lindsay Lohan’s fifth chance.

The only difference between births is the way we celebrate. One has a huge fat guy somehow shimmy down a chimney without getting any black soot on his red suit, where he delivers an array of presents, with the number of presents depending on your tax bracket. Another has a bunny hopping over the ocean and the land just to deliver presents, with the number of presents again depending on your tax bracket.

Not only that, but there are weather issues to blame. With climate change, the bunny must have been confused with the colder weather, and assumed he was celebrating Christ’s first birth, not his second birth.

So, in conclusion it was not the Bunny’s fault. So, step off or you’re just going to get coal for Easter next year.

– Earl

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Disclaimer
The Tiffany & Earl feature is a satirized account of Providence College. Both the question and answers are purely works of fiction. Tiffany & Earl are anti-heroes whose comments ultimately satirize the stereotypes they each represent.

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