October 24, 2020

Two Writers Walk into a: Celtic Sacrifice

posted on: Thursday November 5, 2015

by Joey Aiello ’17 and Abby Johnston ’17

Portfolio Staff/Kanye West and Julius Caesar

Setting: Kanye West bumps into Julius Caesar at a Celtic Sacrifice.

Kanye West: What’s up fam?
Julius Caesar: Family? Young pleb, we do not even share the same patria.
Kanye: Pleb? What does that mean, is it an insult man?
Julius: A pleb is what you are and you must bow before I, the emperor god.
Kanye: Yo, I am a god, didn’t you hear that track off Yeezus?
Julius: You are no god. Gods manifest on Earth in form of powerful leaders that win great battles and show bloody prowess on the battlefield.
Kanye: I’ve won plenty of battles, I got 21 Grammys and I won them over my lesser competitors.
Julius: Emperor gods are not only marked by victories, but also the multitudes of devout followers who bow down in their honor.
Kanye: Have you ever been to a Kanye West concert man? Literally hundreds of thousands of people scream my name and lose their minds.
Julius: Your followers are but fools.
Kanye: They go wild for me because I am a god.
Julius: Gods require human sacrifice, look for example to the plebs being sacrificed to your right in the name of a god. However, a Roman would never stoop so low as to commit human sacrifice.
Kanye: I once met a fan who named their firstborn child after me. If that’s not godly devotion, IDK what is, bro.
Julius: I say, you are no god! Gods must be of a high born family.
Kanye: I’m from the royal family son, the holy trinity of Jay, Ye, and Bey… and there’s also Kim.
Julius: Is this Kim your queen?
Kanye: Damn straight Kim’s a queen son, didn’t you see her break the internet last year?
Julius: Internet? I know not this gibberish you speak.
Kanye: It doesn’t matter. I am a god.
Julius: Fool! Godly kings influence the lives of thousands of fearful subjects with the inspired societal commands they create. Look at these Celtic fools here, who follow the mere imagined command of their gods to bind and burn in the wicker man, their very own innocent tribesman.
Kanye: Ain’t you heard of the Red Octobers? My shoe line? People literally wait in line for hours just to get a pair and the people who don’t get ’em fight other people for ’em. Shoe stores hold events in my honor, just like these cray Boston Celtics fans over here.
Julius: *Turns to observe the sacrifice* Look on as the heathens fashion a rope tangled with mistletoe and hang it around the wicker man’s neck, a pulley to raise the next woeful victim into his maw.
Kanye: So these people sacrifice other people in the name of their god huh?
Julius: Precisely.
Kanye: Say they were to screw up and accidently sacrifice a god, he would live because he is a god!
Julius: *raises eyebrows and lips twitch* I suppose…look, the Boston Celtics have arrived to crown you with mistletoe ropes and send you to your fellow gods, but I warn you, you are no god.
Kanye: I am a god! I’ll prove it when I hop in burning man over there and live and then all these Celtics will be Kanye fans too.

*Kanye motions to volunteer himself for the sacrifice*

Kanye: I’ve died once before for the artists to have an opinion, I’ll die again in the name of this religion and be born again a god.

*Kanye jumps in the sacrificial wicker man before all his adoring fans*

Julius: O tempora, O mores! If this pleb were to lead a people, it would truly be the end times.   *face palms*

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