posted on: Saturday December 8, 2018
I already talked to one of your helpers (I’m old enough to know he’s not the real deal) but I thought I’d write you a note just in case he forgets to tell you. This Christmas, surprisingly, I don’t want any presents. I don’t want action figures, movies, comic books, or gadgets. Nothing. All I really want is my family to come back. When I first woke up and saw they were gone, I was super happy. I could finally have some peace and quiet. I was the man of the house; I went grocery shopping, put on after shave, and did some, uhm, “redecorating.” But after a little bit of freedom, I started having a change of heart. I miss my parents. I miss Megan, Linnie, Jeff, and even Buzz. I want to see my cousins, my aunt…and Uncle Frank if you get around to it. I really don’t want to be home alone anymore. Especially on Christmas; no one should be alone on Christmas. I know you are very busy this time of year, but I’d be so thankful if you could help bring my family back. I promise I’ve been good!
I have a bit of an unconventional Christmas request this year.
I just took my last exam of the semester and I’m pretty sure I failed. So, I’ve decided to drop out of college and become an elf. I know what you’re thinking—that I should stay in school, that I couldn’t have possibly failed that badly, that there are so many other possible jobs I could go for even if I were to drop out of school. Well, I’ve already made my decision. And I’m assuming my parents aren’t gonna be that happy about it, so I figured the safest place for me to be once I break the news to them is as far away from them as possible (i.e., the North Pole).
But listen, Santa, I’m not just trying to take advantage of you here. I really do think I’m qualified for this job. For one, I’m pretty short, so that automatically puts me far above a lot of the other candidates. I also have tons of experience eating large quantities of sugar in a single sitting, which I’m sure should count for something. Finally, I have a talent for procrastination, so you could hand me any job and I’ll be able to keep myself busy for the whole year (because, really, what else do you do all year when it’s not Christmas?).
In conclusion, I would make a fantastic elf.
Your Future Favorite Elf
P.S. – I’ll be waiting with my bags packed on Christmas Eve. See you then!
There are a few things I want for Christmas this year, but I’ll warn you, they are more abstract than tangible. But you’re magical so I know you’ll be able to pull it off. First off, and this one’s pretty tough; I’m going abroad this next semester and I’m worried. I’m worried my dog won’t remember me. So what I would like you to do is make her able to teleport. So whenever I need one of her snuggles, I can just teleport her to Paris. This way, my mom won’t get too mad and I’ll make sure she can never forget me. Plus, I’ll take her on walks around the Eiffel Tower and she’ll be immersed in the Parisian lifestyle. Secondly, I would like it if you could make my stomach full after one meal so I can control my unhealthy overeating habits. It gets really embarrassing when my stomach is growling in the middle of an exam. I can’t keep coughing to cover it up anymore. I also would like if you made my skin tan all year long because everyone knows you’re happier when you’re tan. Lastly, and this one is important: I want you to make sure no one is alone on Christmas day. This one is big because no one deserves to be alone, especially on the most magical day of the year. Christmas is about giving and not so much what you receive. I think the presence of the ones who love us is more than enough to make this magical day even more magical. I know these are tricky tasks, but I know you are equipped to make them come true. Make me proud Santa.
I am writing to inform you that, per our agreement, you are to deliver an Xbox One as well as three trending games to my home on the 24th of December, or Christmas Eve. The cookies and milk will be placed on the kitchen table, the presents should be placed underneath my family’s Christmas tree.
***PLEASE ENSURE TO MARK THEM WITH MY NAME!! Otherwise my dumb younger brother will surely claim them as his own, and he can’t even get to the top 10 in Fortnite.
If you recall last year’s events, I asked for a Nintendo Switch and you did not deliver as promised. My parents regretfully informed me that it was due to my unsatisfactory grades in math. Luckily, they covered for you by giving me a Switch and the Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild game for my birthday. I assure you that my grades this year are adequate for something as simple as an Xbox One, and if you fail again I will not be as lenient as I was last year.
You may see me when I’m sleeping, but I know where you live.