posted on: Thursday March 7, 2019
Dear Tiff and Earl
With spring break fast approaching, I just learned all my friends are going on a Euro trip next week. The trip is sold out, and I don’t want to be at home all break. What should I do?
Dearest Fyre Festival,
There is only one way to handle this to avoid any form of FOMO. Take the train to Boston, then take the MBTA to the dockyard. Slip a $20 bill to a dock worker for information on the next ship to London. Hop in a shipping container and in two weeks you’ll be there! Don’t forget to poke holes!
Dear Pants on Fyre,
Just because you’re stuck stateside for the break doesn’t mean you can’t join in the continental festivities with your friends. Just set your clocks seven hours forward and spend every last cent in your checking account on overpriced drinks at crowded bars you’re pretending to enjoy. Then, find random, over-filtered pictures of Budapest, Amsterdam, and Rome to make sure all of your Insta followers are blissfully deceived. That way, you can be just as jet lagged, annoying, and regrettably hungover as your globetrotting peers. Don’t worry about missing out on the culture; we all know your friends are just as likely to come back with the Bubonic Plague as any advanced cultural knowledge.