posted on: Sunday September 15, 2019
Dear Tiff and Earl,
My roommate went to find the tunnels and I haven’t seen him in a week. What should I do?
Only Slightly Concerned
Dear Only Slightly Concerned,
Here’s something they don’t tell you in orientation: Yes, you’re technically not supposed to know about the tunnels but that’s because there’s a basilisk down there (If you don’t know what that is, I would recommend reading some Harry Potter ASAP for your own safety). If you haven’t seen or heard from your roommate in a while, try not to assume the worst, but it might be smart to pick up a sword made of pure silver on your next trip to Shaw’s.
Follow the spiders,
Dear Only the Lonely,
I don’t want to seem dramatic, but it’s time to call in the troops. Send the call to every GroupMe you’re in (yes, even your orientation group). Amass cases of White Claw and Natty Light. We all have to go in together if anyone hopes to survive. The ghosts of golf parties past will not spare anyone. Together, we must rise up by descending beneath Howley. Together, we will prevail. PC students will have their vengeance, in this life or the next.
With a warrior’s spirit,