February 19, 2019

Tiff and Earl

posted on: Friday January 18, 2019

Dear Tiff and Earl,

I’m getting a new transfer roommate this semester and I’m worried. My last one always made shrieking noises at night due to his night terrors, and I could never sleep. Do you have any advice on how to deal with new roommates?

Sincerely,
Insomnia is real

 

Dear Insomniac,

The best way to deal with a new roommate is to be as fake as humanly possible around them, and talk about them behind their backs to your friends. Love them to death when you see them, rip them apart to everyone else. Eventually one of your friends will say something in front of your roommate that informs them of your true feelings and it’ll be awkward for the rest of the semester, as God intended.

Hope this helps!
Tiff

 

Dear Esmerelda,

The only way to deal with roommates is to be incredibly passive aggressive. Randomly open the windows at night after they fall asleep to freeze them out. Leave them empty donut boxes with “all for you guys!” written on the top. Eat their food in the fridge. Fill their beds with tarantulas. You know, the subtle stuff.

I’m not liable.
Earl

 

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