April 21, 2019

Tiff and Earl

posted on: Thursday January 24, 2019

Dear Tiff and Earl,

It has been two weeks since I have come back to school, and everything in my apartment is already broken. My dishwasher has turned my kitchen into Noah’s Ark, the lights keep flickering, and my fridge is basically a heater. With my luck, FixIt will come by the beginning of next semester. What should I do?

Yours truly,
Better Off in a Cardboard Box

 

Dear Better Off in a Cardboard Box,

First of all, love the name, is it German?

Speaking of Germans, I have an Uncle Günther Schmidt, who is great at fixing things! Call him at 123-456-789-999-888-777-666-1998 to get a special Niece Tiff offer! For just three small payments of $50,000 you too can have a great apartment! Or you can do what most college students do and improvise—use the outside for your freezer and the stress of the semester to cook your meals!

Hope this helps,
Tiff

 

Dear Worse Off On-Campus,

As I see it, you have but one choice: stage a housing revolution by building your very own tiny house on the conveniently flat roof of Guzman. Then, subsidize building expenses by spoofing House Hunters to commercially ridicule Residence Life and by growing non-GMO vegetables and running a roof-to-table vegan brunch spot. Soon, the Eaton Street Elite will be paying YOU to live, and they’ll get a new overpriced and house plant-filled destination to remind their thousands of Instagram followers that they’re rich and healthy.

With money in my eyes,
Earl

 

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