posted on: Thursday September 13, 2018
Dear Tiff and Earl,
My friends convinced me to download Tinder. How do I make sure people swipe right?
-Hopefully Funny, but Also Kinda Ugly
Dear Ugly and Kinda Funny,
Isn’t it obvious? Get a pic of Bradley Cooper and catfish them! You and I both know that the only “rights” your face would get are “yeah, you’re right—he is fugly!” Natural selection is the term for that, RIGHT?
Your first mistake was having friends who use Tinder. I can assure you that nobody on Tinder can light the fire in your loins which you so desperately crave. All the hottest ladies are on Farmers Only. I like a lady who knows her way around a hay bale as well as the boardroom. One who will lend me not only her ear but also her ear of corn. One who can love me like no udder and host a true hoedown throwdown.