Tag: Tiff and Earl
Tiffany and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on November 9, 2017
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
How do I prepare for an impending thunderstorm?
Sincerely,
Raindrops Keep Fallin’ On My Head
Dear Raindrops on My Head,
Is this an emotional thunderstorm or a real thunderstorm? Because the two are vastly different, and both can be extremely stressful situations.
If it’s a real thunderstorm…
Step 1: Call a man (six pack required)
Step 2: Instruct him to take off his shirt
Step 3: Have him stand out in the rain
Step 4: Watch him work
*Sexist comments and extraneous noises are not required but encouraged*
If it’s an emotional thunderstorm…
Step 1: Call a man (six pack required)
Step 2: Instruct him to take off his shirt
Step 3: Have him stand out in the rain
Step 4: Watch him work
*Sexist comments and extraneous noises are not required but encouraged*
Sincerely,
Tiff
Dear Rain Drop Drop Top,
Thunderstorms are the best kind of November weather here at PC. They’re great at knocking all of those pesky, colorful leaves out of the trees which spur pumpkin spice fever and the dreaded “vest weather.” Without the hindrance of these mainstream autumnal trends, dedicated students like me can spend our time more focused on the important things. Or, the new season of Stranger Things. Whatever floats your goats.
Earl
Tiffany and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on November 2, 2017
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
Kylo Ren: hot or not?
Sincerely,
Definitely Not Finn
Dear Finn,
Ya know, if Kylo Ren was a girl, I would call him a “butter face,” or “but her face.” His body is so hot. Like sooooo hot. His face is… eh. So I guess he’s a “but his face?” Can we make that a thing?
Cause man, would I be into him…but I would need to close my eyes when I was looking at his face.
All the best,
Tiff
Dear Traitor,
I’m leaning towards “not.” I guess I’m not that Force sensitive, or whatever. I’m a family man, so I wasn’t very excited when he killed his own father. I will admit, I have considered killing my own father. He doesn’t understand my sarcastic quest to answer the most pressing questions at Providence College. Also, he makes such a big deal over dog gender. I don’t care if your corgi is a male or female as long as I get to hug it.
Earl
*This is a satirical column that does not reflect the views of Providence College or The Cowl.
Tiffany and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on October 26, 2017
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
What is and isn’t acceptable to wear as a Halloween costume here at PC?
Sincerely,
In Need Of Candy
Dear In Need of Candy,
Your question is tricky, but the answer is a real treat. Fun thing about Halloween: the fewer clothes, the better. The more offensive, the more hilarious. I encourage you to push boundaries, and know the sky is truly the limit. We live in a world of political correctness, so let this be your night to break free of those bonds and show up wearing almost nothing. You’ll thank me in the long run when your Instagram likes skyrocket.
With love,
Tiff
Dear Needy,
You’ll be hard-pressed to find a guy in anything that represents real costume effort. Most will don the same ratty jersey they sport every Saturday night. Why would they make any attempt to dress up when the gals hardly put anything on themselves? Anyway, if candy is what you seek, don’t worry about costumes at all. Get a good night’s rest and head out early Nov. 1 to snag all of the unsold candy at decent prices. That’s the best way to get a head start on your annual holiday weight gain, which I can proudly say I’ve begun myself.
Earl
*This is a satire column that does not reflect the views of The Cowl or Providence College.
Tiffany and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on October 19, 2017
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
Is it proper for women to be learned?
Sincerely,
Sir Clement Pickleton VII
No. Stay as undereducated as possible.
No education = no job = a great excuse for a guy to pay for all your drinks (even after you’re 21).
Also, men are intimidated by smart women, so if you want a guy to notice you on Eaton Street, dress skimpy in 32 degree weather, act dumb, and pucker up.
Dress well, but you don’t need to be smart to do that.
All the love,
Tiff Tiff
Dear Mr. Pickle,
Learned women are much more useful to us men. Men only need to be learned in maintaining the patriarchy and deferring all work to the fairer sex. That way, we can stick to what’s really important: yelling at grown men running around on painted grass with an inflated pigskin.
Earl
Tiffany and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on October 5, 2017
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
Why is Ruane Café NOT open on weekends? I find this a terrible and grave injustice. How can I live without my nightly Allie’s Donut and caramel macchiato?
Sincerely,
Weekdays Are For Losers
Dear Weekends are for Losers,
I have no idea why the Ruane Café is not open on weekends. I agree, it not being open is stupid, especially as fall is upon us.
Anything pumpkin spice is my drink of choice, and having to go a whole weekend without a $5 Starbucks drink is brutal.
I don’t have an answer for you, but I’d be happy to lead the charge and get this changed.
Love,
Tiff
Dear Loser,
Why are you so worried about the Ruane Café? Don’t you get your fill of Sodexo during the week? I say SodexNO!!
Plus, eating a donut and drinking that sugary slime every day isn’t healthy. You know what is healthy? Everything that comes down from the beautifully greasy Yuck Truck.
Leave your fake love for Italian beverages and bastardized pastries behind. Embrace the truly American cuisine that only an establishment such as Haven Bros. can purvey.
Better luck this weekend,
Earl
Tiffany and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on September 28, 2017
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
How do I treat the feral cats that live under my porch? They have conjunctivitis.
Sincerely,
Paige “Peach” Calabrese
Dear Paige,
Adopt one as a pet! Duh! I am not entirely sure what conjunctivitis is, but who cares. You can be like Taylor Swift and her cats and take cute Instagrams and cat videos of them, and the world would think you are the chicest cat lover of all time.
Besides, in adopting this new Swiftie persona, if someone complains about contracting fleas or if the conjunctivitis is contagious, just say to the cats, “look what you made me do.”
In cats we trust,
Tiff
Dear Crazy Cat Lady,
Treat? Cats love treats. You should give your cats treats, even though they hate you.
Also, keeping your cats under the porch is ill-advised. Cats prefer to be up high, like in the tops of trees. PERCH, not PORCH, lady.
Oh, you should get your pink eye checked out. Don’t let the cats catch it. When they catch things, they like to hold on with their claws.
Finally, there are serious warning signs to remember to avoid becoming a super crazy cat lady. If you feel urges to buy a feline-inspired vanity plate, crochet clothes for your cats, or hang needlepoint cat portraits on your wall, seek “immeowdiate” help.
Yours,
Earl
Tiffany and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on September 21, 2017
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
Should I take the GREs? If so, how do I prepare for them?
Sincerely,
Forever an Undergrad
Dear Forever an Undergrad,
I’ve been so swamped with homework and life and friends and the missing Cowls that I haven’t even had time to breathe, so my future is something I just haven’t had a chance to think about.
Therefore, why would I waste my time worrying about your future? If you’ve taken the time to ask whether or not you should take the GREs, then take them.
I would have offered advice about anything—what to wear on a Thursday night at Whiskey’s, what I think about the moldy grilled cheeses in Ray, how much toilet paper we should use to TP the torch. Why would you waste my precious time with a question that is just… boring?
Good luck with the test you were obviously going to take even if I said not to,
–Tiff
Dear NERRRDDD,
Hmmm…GREs…I definitely can’t recommend Giant Rotten Eggplants. However, I’m always hip to a Gangster Rubbery Encyclopedia. Whatever you do, never, NEVER, forget to Glamorize Rapscallion Echidnas.
Yours,
-Garish Relatable Earl
Tiffany and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on September 14, 2017
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
I’m planning a date with my girlfriend this weekend, but neither of us know Providence very well. You two have been here for a while—any ideas on where we could have a fun night out?
Sincerely,
Looking for Love (and Food)
Dear Looking for Love,
For a romantic evening, why not head to Federal Hill? Fine dining and good wine is abundant on this restaurant-populated street, and though I haven’t been taken there myself, I’ve been told it’s marvelous.
Also, why not check out WaterFire while the weather is still nice? I recently went on a first date there and had a wonderful time.
Granted, I haven’t heard back from the guy and I’ve sent him multiple texts, so it might not have went as well as I thought.
To be honest, I don’t know how qualified I am to be answering this question.
Best,
Tiff
Hey there, Lost Lovers,
I’d suggest a romantic visit to Kennedy Plaza. Love in the air truly smells like the RIPTA pulling in.
As the sun sets, maybe try to make a move on one of the comfortably moist benches. If you’re lucky, you’ll be greeted by the cavorting rodents which are abundant in Providence’s loveliest park.
Once the sun goes down, I’d suggest taking the classic 55 bus to Chad Brown Street. Here you’ll be greeted with an ambience only surpassed by the people you’ll meet as you waltz up the sidewalk. If it were me, I’d be packin’, but you do you, man.
Good luck loving,
Earl
Have a question for Tiff & Earl? Send your submissions to portfolio@thecowl.com
Tiffany and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on August 31, 2017
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
I ordered my books from the bookstore yesterday, but they’re on backorder. I need them for the first week and have no friends. What do I do?!?!
Sincerely,
Not-A-Bookworm
Dear Not-A-Bookworm,
First off, I am very confused as to why you having no friends has anything to do with the fact that your books are on backorder. That seems like a completely separate problem, and one I have no interest in answering. You’ll either have to deal with that on your own, or learn to be content as a loner with no books.
As for the book situation, there are a few things you could do. Go to the library, rent what you need on Amazon, or ask a friend to borrow their book.
Actually, since you have no friends, that third option isn’t exactly possible. Too bad. To be honest, if you’re looking for friends you probably shouldn’t be reading much anyways.
Also note that just because I am offering some advice does not mean that we’re friends.
—Tiff
Dear Not,
“Backorder.” Yeah, right. It’s high time this bookstore understands supply and demand.
You need to act. Forget your classes this week and instead organize a coup on the scourge that is the bookstore. You’ll soon learn that having friends isn’t as important as having obedient subjects when you’re ruling the school as your own kingdom.
Pick up some Machiavelli for inspiration. Rally your dorm. Build the resistance. Earn your glory.
—Earl
Tiff & Earl
by The Cowl Editor on April 27, 2017
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
My boyfriend is cheating on me with my best friend— what do I do? On the one hand I love my boyfriend and I love my best friend, but on the other hand I want to murder them both. I am very conflicted.
Sincerely,
The so-called “girlfriend”
-Tiffany
Go with your instinct… and by that I mean murder them.* They both wronged you and you cannot let that go unpunished. You may be asking yourself, “But Earl, doesn’t a double murder seem a little harsh?” Yes, it is harsh, but if the glove fits, wear it.
Sadly, the U.S. justice system won’t see it that way. You’ll have to change your name, maybe disguise yourself as a man for a few years, and you’ll definitely have to move to Thailand, likely for the rest of your life. Murder is very illegal.
-Earl
*Disclaimer: Earl is not pro-murder, in all circumstances