by The Cowl Editor on April 27, 2017

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Features

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Dear Tiff and Earl,

My boyfriend is cheating on me with my best friend— what do I do? On the one hand I love my boyfriend and I love my best friend, but on the other hand I want to murder them both. I am very conflicted.

Sincerely,

The so-called “girlfriend”

-Tiffany

Go with your instinct… and by that I mean murder them.* They both wronged you and you cannot let that go unpunished. You may be asking yourself, “But Earl, doesn’t a double murder seem a little harsh?” Yes, it is harsh, but if the glove fits, wear it.

Sadly, the U.S. justice system won’t see it that way. You’ll have to change your name, maybe disguise yourself as a man for a few years, and you’ll definitely have to move to Thailand, likely for the rest of your life. Murder is very illegal.

-Earl

*Disclaimer: Earl is not pro-murder, in all circumstances

by The Cowl Editor on April 6, 2017

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Features

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Dear Tiff and Earl,

Who is Rae Sremmurd?

Sincerely,

I thought I was hip enough to know, but turns out I am not and am now the laughing stock of my friend group and not just my immediate friend group, but the sort of satellite groups as well.

 

Easy. That’s Ray Romano’s stage name. You’re in for a great show. Next question.

-Tiff

 

I don’t really know. It’s so hard to keep up with you kids and your fancy Ear Drummers. It feels as if there’s a new Ear Drummer ever week, it’s exhausting. Back in my day we had lasting, impactful artists. Ke$ha, for instance, who spelt her name with a dollar sign instead of an “s” to critique the pervasiveness of cutthroat capitalism and coroporate greed running rampant in the music industry. Remember “Bad Day” by Daniel Powter? That ballad defined the struggles of a generation standing in line just to hit a new low. And who could forget club banger “Cyclone” by Baby Bash? “She moves her body like a cyclone and she makes me want to do it all night long.” You just don’t see that kind of lyrical ingenuity with today’s hot Ear Drummers.

-Earl