Tag: Tiff and Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on March 21, 2019
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
I have just come back from spring break, and I was visiting my friend in France. I am still jet-lagged, tired, and in serious post-break withdrawal. How do I adjust to being back at school?
Sincerely,
Mr. Cosmopolitan
Dear Favorite Drink,
I love France so much! I look at pictures of it all the time, and it looks so nice. No wonder you didn’t want to leave! My recommendation is to use all of your leftover euros to buy some caffeine pills—that’ll wake you right up and get you back in the school spirit!
Welcome back!
Tiff
Dear Cosmo & Wanda,
If you’re rich enough to go all the way to France for spring break, you can afford to skip class, or just pay someone to go for you. Then you can relax while your servants go to Ray for you, attend crew practice for you, etc… That way, all you’ll have to do is relax until it’s time to make your next sponsored post for Instagram. Gotta pay Mommy’s bail somehow!
Smoochies,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on March 7, 2019
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl
With spring break fast approaching, I just learned all my friends are going on a Euro trip next week. The trip is sold out, and I don’t want to be at home all break. What should I do?
Yours truly,
Fyre Festival
Dearest Fyre Festival,
There is only one way to handle this to avoid any form of FOMO. Take the train to Boston, then take the MBTA to the dockyard. Slip a $20 bill to a dock worker for information on the next ship to London. Hop in a shipping container and in two weeks you’ll be there! Don’t forget to poke holes!
Best!
Tiff
Dear Pants on Fyre,
Just because you’re stuck stateside for the break doesn’t mean you can’t join in the continental festivities with your friends. Just set your clocks seven hours forward and spend every last cent in your checking account on overpriced drinks at crowded bars you’re pretending to enjoy. Then, find random, over-filtered pictures of Budapest, Amsterdam, and Rome to make sure all of your Insta followers are blissfully deceived. That way, you can be just as jet lagged, annoying, and regrettably hungover as your globetrotting peers. Don’t worry about missing out on the culture; we all know your friends are just as likely to come back with the Bubonic Plague as any advanced cultural knowledge.
PROST!
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on March 3, 2019
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
The person I was going to ask to Black and White Ball is already going with someone else and all of my friends have dates. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Peaked in Middle School
Dear Peaked,
First of all, been there, done that! So, after years of going to the dances alone, I decided that I would create my own dating service for lonely suckers like yourself! Rent-A-Date is a not-for-profit dating service that delivers to you a random date based on the event you are going to, your preferences, and how much money you put down as a down payment! So, call 1-800-I’m-So-Very-Lonely to rent a date! PC cash only.
Looking forward to your call!
Tiff
Dear Peaker,
Stay home.
Save your money and your dignity.
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on February 14, 2019
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
I am alone on Valentine’s Day as per usual. What should I do to treat myself on this very special holiday?
Woefully,
Lonely Luke
Dearest Lonely Luke,
I remember my first lonely Valentine’s Day like it was yesterday. I was 15 years old and my boyfriend of 12 years had just broken up with me. Angered by all of the happy couples around me on Feb. 14, I watched rom-coms in my room alone and ate buckets of ice cream. It was delightful! I found that I am happier when I’m by myself. Who needs human contact anyways? It’s so overrated! Cats and dogs and parrots are much better company anyways.
Hope this helps!
Tiff
Dear Loose Lucas,
To start things off, your standards are probably too high. Needy PC gals have been on the hunt for mates since they ate nothing but kale chips over Christmas break. Get over yourself, not every relationship is going to be with a Brownie who keeps you up at night with her mysterious texts. Just set the bar lower, and you’ll have a date. If not, there’s always Yuck Truck to fill the void either alcohol or Single’s Awareness Day has left in your stomach.
Best of luck,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on February 8, 2019
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl
Do you believe in climate change? I keep trying to convince my friends that it is real, but they won’t listen. How else can it go from freezing in a Polar Vortex to feeling like I should be on a beach somewhere? What should I do to convince those around me that it is real?
Warmly,
Tree Hugger
Dear Tree Hugger,
The simple answer is: get new friends. If there’s anything to learn from the current political climate of the U.S., it’s that you should always surround yourself with people who think the same as you. Also, your friends are stupid if they don’t believe scientific study after scientific study. But what do I know, I’m just a fake columnist!
Best,
Tiff
Dear Tree Slug,
Just like President Trump, your friends think they know best. The President doesn’t believe in climate change, only walls and Diet Coke. Just build a wall around your friends so that they can be protected from the intelligent beings around them. Toss in a few seasons of Game of Thrones along with a case of Diet Coke and they’ll be fine until the oceans flood over them and they realize they were wrong all along.
Sad!
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on February 1, 2019
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
Lately, I have been just so tired and stressed after class that I’ve been sleeping the whole day away. Do you have any tips on how to relax after a long day of classes without going back to sleep?
Sincerely,
Sleeping Beauty
Dear Sleeping Beauty,
I have heard your case too many times. There is only one cure for this problem.
Step one: buy caffeine pills.
Step two: put one in your coffee.
Step three: throw the coffee in your face (hot coffee works best).
Step four: down the rest of the 24 caffeine pills and go get ’em!
Best,
Tiff
Dear Slumped,
Clearly you’re not fully immersed in the PC experience yet! You’re not really a part of the Friar Family until you’re taking six classes, doing a work study, informally tutoring all of your roommates, on the exec board for 11 clubs, playing an intramural sport, and somehow never missing a single Thursday night out. Soon enough you’ll learn that sleeping isn’t an option, because your schedule won’t allow it! Get used to canceling dinner with yourself (again).
I’m too busy for a salutation,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on January 24, 2019
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
It has been two weeks since I have come back to school, and everything in my apartment is already broken. My dishwasher has turned my kitchen into Noah’s Ark, the lights keep flickering, and my fridge is basically a heater. With my luck, FixIt will come by the beginning of next semester. What should I do?
Yours truly,
Better Off in a Cardboard Box
Dear Better Off in a Cardboard Box,
First of all, love the name, is it German?
Speaking of Germans, I have an Uncle Günther Schmidt, who is great at fixing things! Call him at 123-456-789-999-888-777-666-1998 to get a special Niece Tiff offer! For just three small payments of $50,000 you too can have a great apartment! Or you can do what most college students do and improvise—use the outside for your freezer and the stress of the semester to cook your meals!
Hope this helps,
Tiff
Dear Worse Off On-Campus,
As I see it, you have but one choice: stage a housing revolution by building your very own tiny house on the conveniently flat roof of Guzman. Then, subsidize building expenses by spoofing House Hunters to commercially ridicule Residence Life and by growing non-GMO vegetables and running a roof-to-table vegan brunch spot. Soon, the Eaton Street Elite will be paying YOU to live, and they’ll get a new overpriced and house plant-filled destination to remind their thousands of Instagram followers that they’re rich and healthy.
With money in my eyes,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on January 18, 2019
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
I’m getting a new transfer roommate this semester and I’m worried. My last one always made shrieking noises at night due to his night terrors, and I could never sleep. Do you have any advice on how to deal with new roommates?
Sincerely,
Insomnia is real
Dear Insomniac,
The best way to deal with a new roommate is to be as fake as humanly possible around them, and talk about them behind their backs to your friends. Love them to death when you see them, rip them apart to everyone else. Eventually one of your friends will say something in front of your roommate that informs them of your true feelings and it’ll be awkward for the rest of the semester, as God intended.
Hope this helps!
Tiff
Dear Esmerelda,
The only way to deal with roommates is to be incredibly passive aggressive. Randomly open the windows at night after they fall asleep to freeze them out. Leave them empty donut boxes with “all for you guys!” written on the top. Eat their food in the fridge. Fill their beds with tarantulas. You know, the subtle stuff.
I’m not liable.
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on December 8, 2018
Christmas
Dear Tiff and Earl,
My friend and I cannot settle this debate. He claims that Die Hard is just a movie that takes place during Christmas, while I argue that Christmas is one of the integral themes in this amazing movie. I was hoping you both could settle this debate. Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Yippee ki yay,
Christmas Lover
Dear Christmas Lover,
Die Hard is my personal favorite Christmas movie of all time. Around the holidays, I always watch it with my family while we decorate. It’s such a fun tradition! My kids always love when the line comes up, and I scream, “Yippee Ki Yay Mother Lover!” at the top of my lungs. We then watch the Silent Night, Deadly Night saga!
Merry Christmas!
Tiff
Dear Yippie Lover,
There’s really no debate here, so please ignore that idiot Tiff. Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie any more than my mother is one of Santa’s reindeer. If you want an action movie at Christmas, look no further than Krampus. After all, instilling deep fear into young children is the best way to prepare them for the harsh realities of the real world. Rudolph, eat your heart out.
Watch out,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on November 30, 2018
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
Why are all my professors assigning work before finals? How am I supposed to complete five papers in a week? On top of all this, my computer is completely dead. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Mo Papers Mo Problems
Hey Mo Papers Mo Problems!
So, little known fact about myself…I used to be a college professor! Now, while I always did my best to teach the worst subjects in the best way, I, as a professor, always found assigning work before finals to be a great way to fully and completely break the will of my students so they could join my army of the dead. As far as your computer goes, so long as it turns on you should keep using it! Unless you’re comfortable selling your soul for a new one. But don’t! Your professors want that.
Best,
Tiff
Dear Moo Moo,
Your professors are procrastinators, just like you. They don’t want to grade long papers before this week any more than you want to write them. As I see it, the only way to get back at them is to turn in all of your work no less than one week late. That way, they’ll be forced to grade them instead of getting holi-drunk with their extended family. Or you could fail. Who knows?
Study responsibly,
Earl