by The Cowl Editor on November 14, 2019

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Features

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by Young, Dumb, and Broke ’20

This weekend, the Class of 2020 gathered together to celebrate their past three years in Friartown for the annual Senior Ring Weekend. Due to budget cuts, the biggest event of the weekend, the Saturday formal night, was moved from an off-campus venue to Raymond Dining Hall. The night included a three-course meal: an extra-special salad bar with three types of greens instead of the usual two, a choice of filet mignon (well-done on the outside, only slightly frozen on the inside) or a tofu and rice dish with lemon seasoning, and stale raisin bran bars for dessert.

The event was deejay’d by the dynamic duo of Dot and Fran, with a special guest appearance by Rhode Island’s famous Monopoly Man himself, who performed a series of lectures (and, for the record, did not breach his contract with the school).

“It was okay,” said one senior when asked about the event. “I was a little disappointed when I found out we weren’t going someplace like Twin River or Foxwoods, but me and my friends still managed to have some fun.”

“I wouldn’t know!” exclaimed another senior. “They didn’t tell us the location beforehand, so when I showed up, they wouldn’t let me in because I’d already used all my swipes for the week! And all that after I’d spent $100 getting my hair and nails done that morning.”

In fact, a number of seniors were turned away due to their lack of meal swipes, including one whose date was still allowed in because he was a freshman. “At least he got to have some fun,” she said.

The event came to a close at 7 p.m., when the dining hall closed for the night.

Overall, the night seemed to be a mild success. This writer is looking forward to what the SRW committee for the Class of 2021 has in store for next year’s big night!

by The Cowl Editor on November 1, 2019

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Features

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by Ghost Hunter ’21

In the weeks preceding Halloween, several students have reported witnessing a ghost-like figure wandering late at night. The figure was described by a source as “dressed in the white habit of a friar,” but appeared to be translucent. 

Another source stated, “The friar rose from the fog, like he came out of thin air.” 

Reports claim that the figure only reveals itself at night, often when it is stormy and foggy. Around campus, the cemetery, the priory, and Howley Hall have all been sites of appearances. 

With the upcoming holiday of Halloween, students are on edge. Some have taken to wearing rosaries and crucifixes to ward off the specter. Others have been trying to catch it on film and have started to call the phenomenon the Hash-Slinging Friar.

After hearing the fear on behalf of the students, the school issued a statement: “We apologize for any inconveniences that have arisen as a result of the Hash-Slinging Friar. We firmly reject the existence of such a figure.”

However, after a thorough investigation, The Cowl is proud to debunk the existence of the Hash-Slinging Friar. After much sleuthing and several sleepless nights lurking the campus in search of the figure, evidence points to a real friar as the so-called Hash-Slinging Friar. 

Instead of spotting a ghost, students have been seeing Father George, a friar new to the school. He is apparently fond of taking walks at night under ominous conditions. 

Be sure to say hello to Father George the next time you see a ghost on campus!

by The Cowl Editor on October 24, 2019

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Features

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by Pooh Bear Fanatic ’21

Xi Jinping, president of the People’s Republic of China, made headlines last week when reports of his lawsuit against Walt Disney Productions resurfaced for their use of his likeness in their depiction of Winnie the Pooh.

The suit, filed in 2014, claimed that President Jinping’s, 66, likeness had been used as a basis to create the infamous bear, which has been used to “mock” the General Secretary of the Communist Party of China.

The resurfacing comes in the wake of Hong Kong protesters objecting to Xi Jinping by donning homemade Pooh Bear masks in their continued fight against the abhorred extradition bill, meaning Pooh could represent far more than a flashpoint with the 2023 election looming.

President Jinping has previously banned all depictions of Pooh Bear in Chinese media, claiming that the “dimwitted naivety” of the anthropomorphic bear undermines the importance of the communist revitalization that he has championed.

Representatives to the People’s Republic of China could not be reached for comment.

by The Cowl Editor on October 10, 2019

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Features

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By Lil Wit ’21

It’s getting to that time of the year. The leaves are slowly falling, just like students’ spirits because midterms are on the horizon. 

  Studies show that students dread midterm week for several reasons. For one, midterm week never lasts a single week. It’s drawn out like those civ papers that are supposed to be five pages but we only have three and a half pages of somewhat decent stuff to say. Reportedly, some students insist that it can feel like midterms go on for three weeks. 

Leonard ’20 explained, “First you have those classes that have three exams per semester, so they face that class first. Once you survive that trial, you suffer through the classes that have actual midterms, and by the time you overcome (or at least) survive that beast it’s time for exam two for your other classes. Throw some papers on top of it and we’re all a wreck.” 

Students slowly start to regret not doing the homework, but they face the first exams with light in their eyes and confidence in their abilities. After an intense and soul-draining struggle, they realize that this is only the beginning and there will be no mercy no matter how many tears they shed. This is it, this is their fate. 

 Some have broken the system and have found a way to combat midterms. They study regularly, ask questions, and actually do the reading. These people sit in the exam room, silently winning the battle while the others fight for their lives (I mean grades). 

Only some will emerge triumphant, studies say.Dr. Strange from the Psychology department commented on the nature of midterms: “We just want to make sure that the students are learning and retaining the information. We don’t design them to be impossible or unfair. A lot of thought goes into the nature of our exams.” 

Oh, civ professor, little do you know that the midterm beast has brainwashed you….