Tag: Tiff and Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on October 24, 2019
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
I’m allergic to pumpkin spice. How do I assimilate into society?
Blandly,
Not-Spice Girl
Dear Blandly,
That’s really tough, especially this time of year. But a pumpkin is just a gourd, so you can make a new flavor by experimenting with other plants to make a new scent. I would stay away from cannabis because that can get a little dicey, if you know what I mean.
Scentedly yours,
Tiff
Dear Sean Spicer,
Assimilate? ASSIMILATE??!! How dare you use that word in my newspaper! Be your own spicy self. Go off, baby girl. Those basics with their PSLs can’t touch you.
Seasonally,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on October 10, 2019
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
I have no idea what a cowl is. Can you please tell me?
Confused,
A Boogie Wit a Cowl
Dear Boogie Wit,
A cowl is the newspaper you are currently holding to read this. I mean, it says “Cowl” in big letters on the front, so it is kind of self-explanatory. If you’re wondering why the paper is called the Cowl, then that’s a different story. It’s named after the little hoody-thingy on the priests’habits that flies over their heads when it’s really windy outside. You would think it’d be useful in the rain, but I haven’t seen one use it for that yet. I’m sure the dozens of friars would be happy to tell you more about it if you are so thoroughly intrigued. Actually, they might be happy about it. They don’t really get to talk about fashion because they wear the same thing every day.
Knowledge is good,
Tiff
Dear A Boogie Wit a ?,
… I don’t know.
¯\_(‘:’)_/¯
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on October 3, 2019
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
I got a Hydroflask as a gift and now people are bullying me in class. Please help.
Woefully,
#Vscoboy
Dear #,
The best way to break a new trend that everyone bandwagons on or wishes they could bandwagon on is to start a new trend. Usually people like to go retro, so be super retro and start using a 19th century canteen, or even better, a goat stomach sack like they used in the olden days.
Stay thirsty my friend,
Tiff
Dear Hipster Boy,
Well, if you’re tired of being bullied about your water bottle (I mean, how dare you stay hydrated?), then you’ll have to expose more embarrassing aspects of your personal life to your “friends.” That way, they can bully you over things that are actually meaningful, and you can feel valid while drinking clean water out of your $40 bottle. Or, ditch the bottle altogether and just drink out of the koi pond like me—I mean my weird roommate—does.
Moistly,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on September 26, 2019
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
It’s been a quiet week on campus. Almost too quiet. Do either of you know what is going on?
Sincerely,
Increasingly Alarmed
Dear Al,
There are some things they don’t teach you in Civ. Don’t look for answers because there aren’t any. You’ll understand when you’re older.
Watch your back,
Tiff
Dear Alarmist,
Clearly, we experience this campus in very different ways. All I hear from dawn to dusk are hordes of lawnmowers incessantly criss-crossing across the overwatered grass. After dark, my eardrums and nightmares are haunted by the unending cacophony of freshmen and athletes screaming through the echo chamber that you may recognize as the hallways and staircases of my dorm. From what I can tell, all that’s “going on” is a blockage in your ears.
Resoundingly,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on September 19, 2019
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
How do I get onto the show Caught in Providence? My parents are big fans and I want to make them proud.
Looking to get caught,
Caprio’s Number 1 Fan
Dear CN1F,
If you want to get Caprio’s attention and make your parents proud, you have to do something creative and bold. Anyone can run a red light. If you do it on a souped up PC golf cart capable of going 60 mph in a school zone, that’ll get people talking (without affecting your parents’ car insurance). Your parents will see that this liberal arts education has made you into someone who thinks outside the box.
Beep beep,
Tiff
Dear Fanny,
You know the red light camera at the intersection of Huxley and Eaton? Your best shot is to get a running start coming down the hill (in the new bike lane, of course) and Naruto Run through a red signal at full speed. The TV cameras will never stop following you after a stunt like that. The only question: can your convoluted conspiracy circumvent conviction by Caprio?
Courageously,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on September 15, 2019
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
My roommate went to find the tunnels and I haven’t seen him in a week. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Only Slightly Concerned
Dear Only Slightly Concerned,
Here’s something they don’t tell you in orientation: Yes, you’re technically not supposed to know about the tunnels but that’s because there’s a basilisk down there (If you don’t know what that is, I would recommend reading some Harry Potter ASAP for your own safety). If you haven’t seen or heard from your roommate in a while, try not to assume the worst, but it might be smart to pick up a sword made of pure silver on your next trip to Shaw’s.
Follow the spiders,
Tiff
Dear Only the Lonely,
I don’t want to seem dramatic, but it’s time to call in the troops. Send the call to every GroupMe you’re in (yes, even your orientation group). Amass cases of White Claw and Natty Light. We all have to go in together if anyone hopes to survive. The ghosts of golf parties past will not spare anyone. Together, we must rise up by descending beneath Howley. Together, we will prevail. PC students will have their vengeance, in this life or the next.
With a warrior’s spirit,
Earl
Tiff & Earl
by The Cowl Editor on August 29, 2019
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
I’ve barely been on campus a week and I’m already feeling homesick. How can I make PC feel like home?
Sincerely,
Flown the Coop
Hi Flown the Coop,
Moving into college is a big transition, but there are a few things you can do to make campus feel more like home. Ask your parents to send you some things from your room that bring you comfort like a blanket or a stuffed animal. Or your parents can just move in with you, but don’t check with your roommate first because it’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission. If you’re worried about missing your mom’s cooking, just offer to have her take over the entire campus dining system so wherever you are you will always have a taste of home. Your mom loves you, so I’m sure she won’t mind.
Good luck!
-Tiff
Dear Chicken,
The best way to feel at home is to find people who annoy you just like you’re at home! First off, create tension with your RA by making lots of noise near their room during quiet hours and breaking parietals. That way, they’ll start fussing at you just like your parents. Then join 7 clubs that you have no interest in so you can feel helplessly busy all the time, just like in high school!
Good luck,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on May 2, 2019
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
My parents just called me and said that they cannot help me move out after my last final exam because they are taking a trip down to Florida to “get a summer tan.” How do I get all my stuff out of my room and go home?
Trying to get home,
Dorothy Gale
Dear Dorothy Gale,
That is quite the predicament you’ve got yourself in. I would recommend, as a devout Catholic, that you pray. Pray that Daenerys Targaryen will arrive with her mighty dragons, pick you and your belongings up, and fly you home in a fantastical display of mythology come to life. Or call an aunt, that might help too.
Best,
Tiff of House Tiff, Last of Her Name
Dear Miss Gale,
That’s A+ parenting right there. Here’s what I would do in that situation: find a friend who can store all of your boxes in their garage, and hop on the next flight to Florida. When your parents are in line for the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disney, make sure you are right in front of them, then turn around and say hello. It’ll really be a small world for them.
Enjoy Florida,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on April 11, 2019
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
I’m having a lot of trouble trying to slog through the last few weeks of the semester and Easter just can’t come soon enough. Do either of you have any advice on how to get through these last weeks?
Sincerely,
Senioritis
Hi Older and Lazier,
I remember when it was my last year of the doctoral program in chemical biology; everyone was cooking frogs and dissecting walruses. It was the 80s, it was crazy and wild. Nowadays you get in trouble for such activities, even when you’re almost done with it all. That’s just ridiculous! Take a note from me: be wild and free!
Best,
Tiff
Dear Gingivitis,
Stop complaining, you pay a gazillion dollars to go here and you can’t make it through a couple of weeks. Do what I do: chew on some caffeine pills for an appetizer, chug a Red Bull for the main course, and finish off with three 5-hour Energy drinks for a dessert. This way you can finish your senior capstone, study for that final, and write the next great American novel all in the same night. Don’t worry, your mind will give out before your heart.
Best Wishes,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on April 4, 2019
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl
My week was uneventful, how was yours?
Curiously,
George
Dear George,
My week was the same as most weeks. Monday, I caught and cooked up a king crab. Tuesday, I fought a super villain and saved Metropolis. Wednesday, I was shot out of a cannon. Thursday, I cooked scones. And Friday, I danced with Earl.
Best,
Tiff
Dear Man in the Yellow Hat,
I’ve been spending some time out of the country lately. It’s nice to get off campus after seeing so many obnoxious Instagram posts of other PC students abroad. I’ve realized it isn’t that great, though, so I’m heading home. Turns out that everything still costs money even when you’re not worried about Friar Bucks, PC Cash, or PC Prints.
Poorly,
Earl