Tag: Tiff and Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on November 19, 2018
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
I do not want to go home for Thanksgiving because I know my pesky relatives will ask what I am doing with my post-grad life this spring. Truth is I have no idea and I will probably not make it to graduation because I failed so many exams in the past couple of days (SRW did me dirty). Please send me some help and Pedialyte.
-Soon to be
Unemployed & Unenrolled
Hi Unemployed and Unenrolled,
First of all, love your name, is it French?
Second of all, I for one love Thanksgiving because it allows me to pester my nieces and nephews about their future plans to make myself feel better about the place my own kids are in! So, I say suck it up and help your Aunt Karen feel better about her own daughter’s bull-ring nose piercing! But, if you really are worried about disappointing every single member of your immediate and extended family in one fell swoop, try and get the topic onto politics so you can slip away to your siblings and your fun cousin.
Gobble, gobble!
Tiff
Dear Uninteresting,
Just find that weird uncle at Thanksgiving who did the same thing when he was in college. He’ll help you understand how to use your white male privilege to succeed despite your lack of dedication! Then just conveniently take large bites of food anytime another relative asks you about post-grad life so you can just chew until they lose interest and move on.
Regrettably,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on November 19, 2018
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
My boyfriend will only answer someone when they refer to him as Darth Kicka**. He is failing school right now and our relationship is on the rocks. What should I do?
You’re my only hope,
Leia
Dear Leia,
Wowza, that is quite a predicament you’re in with this guy. I remember I had a boyfriend years ago who went by the name Mr. McClean, he was also failing school until I McCleaned his clock and knocked him back into shape. So I would recommend that you Darth Kick-His-A**. But, if violence isn’t your thing – which is totally fine! – I would recommend you invade the Forest Moon of Endor so you can disable his emotional shield generators and talk him back to the light side of the force.
The Force is with you always,
Tiff
Dear LeeLee,
First off, a relationship on the rocks sounds like my kind of drink, especially if there’s salt around the rim. Anyway, your boyfriend sounds like an uncultured loser and staying with him is a bad idea. I’d look for a guy who’s more…cosmogalactic, if you catch my drift.
In the Force,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on November 1, 2018
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
Halloween is over now, and I can’t be Scrappy Doo anymore. I am currently having an identity crisis. How do I be myself again?
Woefully,
Scrappy Don’t
Hi Scrappy Don’t,
First of all, thank you so much for asking us such a sensitive question. Second of all, you are going through what is commonly known as Halloween Costume Withdrawal Syndrome, or HCWS. Now, HCWS is a condition that affects 4 in 12 Americans annually. What I have found helps me find myself again is that I will watch something about my latest costume. This Halloween I was a Golden Retriever, and to make sure I didn’t lose myself I watched the classic Owen Wilson film Marley and Me. This way, I could become myself again through the film. I find movies where my costume dies at the end especially helpful in solidifying the eternal loss I feel after removing my costume each year.
Hope this helps!
Tiff
Dear Short Stuff,
I have no idea what a Scrappy Doo is, but I do know something about an identity crisis. I once shaved off my moustache and I couldn’t recognize myself in the mirror anymore. Every day I would ask…who is Earl? But with time and tears it eventually grew back in all its glory.
Does that help answer your question?
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on October 25, 2018
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
What do people do here on Halloween? Is trick-or-treating still a thing and if so where? Because caffeine isn’t getting me through midterms and I need some candy asap.
Sincerely,
Sugar Fiend
Dear Sugar Fiend,
First off, let’s get this straightened out. I hate to break it to ya, but trick-or-treating is so 2000 and late. If you’re looking for the perfect candy-eating experience, just picture this. You’re sitting on your couch with your closest friends, 10 jumbo-sized bags of your favorite candies cover your body like a blanket as you simultaneously stuff your face and watch the all-too-familiar Halloweentown saga unfold. Suddenly, your cell phone rings. You’re feeling on the top of the world, sugar high and all, so you answer: I’m sorry, the old sugar fiend can’t come to the phone right now. Oh, why? Cause she’s dead!
XO,
Tiff
Dear Sugar Baby,
The only thing you’ll get from knocking on the doors along Eaton Street is a weird look and maybe a few empty plastic cups.
I’m not sure if your request for candy is some kind of newfangled euphemism for fooling around, but I can tell you that you certainly won’t be the only one at PC with such intentions on All Hallow’s Eve.
Sweetly,
Earl
Tiffany & Earl
by Andrea Traietti on October 18, 2018
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
I always feel like I never know what’s happening on campus, and I refuse to read the Morning Mail. How do I find out what the word is?
Sincerely, Lonely Larry
Dearest Larry,
Obviously, you only have one option—stake yourself out in all the prime gossip spots to hear what’s the latest scuttlebutt. Hiding places include: the ice cream cooler in the Eaton St. Café, the trash bins by the steps of Ray, hanging from the side of the library, and levitating inside the flame, just to name a few. If that fails, try learning how to speak squirrel—those buggers don’t sit there staring at you for nothing, y’know.
Good luck!
Tiff
Dear Loser Larry,
If you’re looking for something to do, just follow people around as they are leaving your dorm. Find out where they are going, and pretend you’re invited to the party. If anyone calls you out on it, consider that you didn’t have much to lose anyway.
Unfortunately,
Earl
Tiff & Earl
by Andrea Traietti on October 4, 2018
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
I’m turning 21 over Columbus Day weekend, but all my friends are going home. I’m going to be all alone in my apartment. What should I do?
Sadly,
Feeling Twenty-Blue
Hey Loser,
Let’s face it, your “friends” weren’t going to celebrate your bday even if they were around. Go to some bar downtown and talk it out with the bartender, it’s not like he hasn’t served loners before.
Go make friends with Jack Daniels, I’ve heard he’s a great guy.
Lol sry not sry,
Tiff
Dear Twenty-Who,
Your only remaining option is to light dozens of ~flameless~ candles, put Celine Dion’s “All By Myself” on repeat, and dig into some Ben & Jerry’s. It’s going to be a long weekend.
Yikes,
Earl
Tiff & Earl
by Andrea Traietti on September 27, 2018
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
Okay, I’m in the shower, and the fire alarm goes off. What are my options?
Sincerely,
Slipping in Suds
Dear Slippery on Life,
Stay in the shower. The water should protect you…right? Unless you feel like streaking across the entire campus, in which case, be my guest.
Either way, I can’t wait to hear about you on the news!
Love,
Tiff
Dear Unclean Reader,
Option 1: Finish your shower. If you actually worked up the will power to take a shower, you’re probably pretty nasty. I mean, when is the last time you even tried to go to sleep in between reading The Iliad and talking about it in your 8:30 a.m. seminar? Plus, it’s probably a drill. Roll the dice of statistics and brainstorm a fire escape ladder made of old stretched-out loofahs and the piles of dirty underwear lying around the bathroom. Yes, even those ripped up Hanes can help you.
Option 2: RUN. THERE IS NO TIME FOR CLOTHES, TOWELS, OR STRATEGICALLY PLACED LATHER. Who cares if you blind everyone on your floor? You’ve already exposed yourself more than you thought you would in college, and your “friends” probably have video of it, even though you don’t remember.
Fend for Yourself,
Earl
Tiff & Earl
by The Cowl Editor on September 20, 2018
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
What’s your ideal fall date?
-Hungry for love not pumpkins
Dear Forever Starving for Love,
My ideal fall date would be jumping in bug-infested piles of leaves and getting pumpkin guts all over me while carving scary faces into them. Fall is just my favorite season, can’t you tell?
Ugh, I can’t wait for summer.
BYE!
Tiff
Dear Hangry Pumpkin,
My favorite fall dates are in November. I really like the 11th and the 23rd. What does this have to do with love again?
Insincerely,
Earl
Tiff & Earl
by Andrea Traietti on September 13, 2018
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
My friends convinced me to download Tinder. How do I make sure people swipe right?
-Hopefully Funny, but Also Kinda Ugly
Dear Ugly and Kinda Funny,
Isn’t it obvious? Get a pic of Bradley Cooper and catfish them! You and I both know that the only “rights” your face would get are “yeah, you’re right—he is fugly!” Natural selection is the term for that, RIGHT?
Bye!
Tiff
Dear Fugly,
Your first mistake was having friends who use Tinder. I can assure you that nobody on Tinder can light the fire in your loins which you so desperately crave. All the hottest ladies are on Farmers Only. I like a lady who knows her way around a hay bale as well as the boardroom. One who will lend me not only her ear but also her ear of corn. One who can love me like no udder and host a true hoedown throwdown.
-Earl
Tiff & Earl
by Andrea Traietti on August 30, 2018
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
What should I do to make this semester my best one yet?
Sincerely,
Thirsty for Knowledge
Dear Thirsty for Knowledge,
Buy all your textbooks, binders, and Five Star notebooks from the bookstore for all your classes. Organize your desk real nice with a Providence College calendar, pens and pencils, and every single piece of stationary that Target sells. Go to class and realize it’s all pointless because your professor gives homework as if you only have that class. Then, go back to your room, cry in your bed, and wipe your tears with the pages of all the books you rented but will never read. Realize every semester is the worst one and this one certainly won’t be any different.
Love,
Tiff
Dear Thirsty Thursday,
All of my best semesters have included a lack of willpower, a couple open-container violations, and…I can’t remember the rest.
Maybe that’s because of what was in the containers…
-Earl