Tag: Tiff and Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on September 26, 2022
Portfolio
Dear Tiff and Earl,
I just got my first Civ paper prompt, and to say I’m freaking out is an understatement. I haven’t done any of the readings for this class yet and I only have a couple of days until the paper is due. Any advice?
Sincerely,
Major Procrastinator
Hey Major Procrastinator,
Like you, I myself have procrastinated writing this response until the very last minute with some help from my friends in the writing center! They are great at helping people come up with ideas for Civ papers! Just go into your appointment with some knowledge about the readings for your paper and you should be all set!
From a former writing center tutor,
Earl
Dear Major Procrastinator,
What I am about to suggest may seem counterintuitive, but as a procrastinator myself, it’s worked wonders for both my grades and my self-esteem: KEEP FREAKING OUT. DON’T DO ANYTHING UNTIL THE LAST POSSIBLE MINUTE. Then, when you sit down to do it, your adrenaline will be pumping like a train through your veins and inspiration will be pouring out of your ears. I can honestly guarantee you’ll produce your best work— and why wouldn’t you trust ME?
Cheers!
Tiff
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on September 8, 2022
Portfolio
Dear Tiff and Earl,
The first (official) darty of the semester is coming up, and my roommate and I still haven’t managed to find a solid friend group to accompany us. Any advice for quickly making friends so that we can live out our darty dreams?
Sincerely,
Future Darty Crasher
Dear FDC,
If you really want to wow the crowds, don’t worry about making friends before the darty—make them AT the darty! Just blunder in, latch on to someone, and thank them and all their friends for coming to YOUR little soirée. Jay Gatsby would approve!
Cheers!
Tiff
Dear Future Darty Crasher,
Who says you need a big friend group to go to a darty? Have an intense pregame in your room, convince your roommate to explore Eaton Street with you, and rock the darty with confidence! As long as you follow the darty’s general theme, you’re sure to find a group of darty-loving people to adopt you and your roommate into their friend group!
Crush Your Darty Dreams!
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by trogers5 on May 5, 2022
Portfolio
Dear Tiff and Earl,
I just downloaded LinkedIn and I don’t know how to polish my resume. Please send help, so I don’t spend the rest of my life living in my mom’s basement.
Thank You In Advance,
Jobless Senior
Dear Jobless Senior,
Looks like someone didn’t take “Don’t wait, Slavin 108” to heart. You’ve had four years to take advantage of this ever-helpful, high-quality service, and now, with two weeks left before graduation, you have the audacity to ask me for advice? Better get used to those basement views, buddy.
Regards,
Earl
Dear Jobless Senior,
You are asking the wrong people. We don’t even get paid to give you advice. Luckily, I love my mom’s basement. I have trained the mice to scavenge three meals a day for me, and I am building a rocket to the moon. What more can you ask of life?
Cheers,
Tiff
Tiff and Earl
by trogers5 on April 21, 2022
Portfolio
Dear Tiff and Earl,
I was walking around campus today, and I can’t help but notice the fat squirrel from the fall is missing. I need to know if he survived the winter…any ideas as to where he is?
Sincerely,
Squirrel Enthusiast
Dear squirrel enthusiast,
I ate him.
Tiff
Dear Squirrel Enthusiast,
I have it on good authority that the fat squirrel from the fall has not only survived the winter, but he is absolutely thriving. While all the other squirrels went into hibernation, he went to the Concannon Fitness Center. He’s lost all the extra poundage and is now training to be a member of Team USA’s track and field team for the Summer 2024 Olympics.
God bless the USA!
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by trogers5 on April 8, 2022
Portfolio
Dear Tiff and Earl,
I caught my crush and best friend making out in the broom closet at Black and White Ball this weekend. How do I emotionally recover?
Insincerely,
Heartbroken :(
Dear Heartbroken,
I must confess that your story, like a middle-aged man with Santa at the mall, does not sit right with me. Firstly, where even is this broom closet? How did anyone get the key to it? Are you perhaps in Physical Plant? How juicy! But secondly, you say you caught your best friend and crush in the broom closet…but what were YOU doing in the broom closet? Were you perhaps preparing to “make out” in the broom closet with a fourth party? I wonder…
Cheers,
Tiff
Dear Heartbroken :(,
Unfortunately, this is a tale as old as time. Fortunately, you live in the 21st century, at the same time as the music industry herself, Ms. (soon-to-be Dr.) Taylor Swift. What you’re going to want to do is put together a Tay-Tay playlist that captures this particular combination of heartbreak and betrayal. Here are this humble Swiftie’s suggestions: “Picture to Burn,” “Should’ve Said No,” “You’re Not Sorry,” “Better Than Revenge,” “All Too Well (10-minute version),” “Bad Blood,” “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things,” “my tears ricochet,” and “it’s time to go.” Feel free to throw in Olivia Rodrigo’s “traitor” for good measure!
Happy wallowing,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by trogers5 on March 27, 2022
Portfolio
Dear Tiff and Earl,
This spring break, I booked a trip to the Bahamas and upon landing, found out I have COVID. What are some COVID-safe quarantine activities I can do while all my friends are on the beaches having fun?
Sincerely,
FOMSB (Fear of Missing Spring Break)
Dear FOMSB (Fear of Missing Spring Break),
If the past couple of years have taught us anything, it’s that we must learn to be resourceful and have fun on our own. However, since COVID-19 has forced us to do so for approximately 10% of our lives at this point, I’ve unfortunately exhausted all my good ideas. The best advice I can give you is to purchase a Disney+ subscription if you do not have one already and watch Phineas and Ferb for some inspiration. Those kids had 104 days of summer vacation and you only have 11 days of spring breakーI’m sure they have at least a week’s worth of COVID-safe shenanigans that you can try yourself. Alternatively, you can just watch the show for the heck of it and transport yourself to a time when life as we knew it wasn’t completely upended by a pandemic.
Good luck!
Earl
Dear FOMSB,
Quarantine activities, my eye. You’ve got to think outside the box. What I’m about to describe to you is something I love to do whether I’m sick or not. This is one of my favorite beach activities: what I like to call “the ostrich.” That’s right, dig your head in. Your nose and mouth will be SO covered, you couldn’t spread anything if you wanted to. All that sand will be great for your skin, and what protrudes of you will be tan. Sounds like my kind of spring break.
Cheers!
Tiff
Tiff and Earl
by trogers5 on March 3, 2022
Portfolio
Dear Tiff and Earl,
I’m a non-basketball student-athlete and I feel like we don’t get enough clout. Do I need to become the next Nate Watson on TikTok?
Sincerely,
A PC Second-Class Citizen
Dear Second-Class Citizen,
…there are non-basketball student athletes?
No cheers for you,
Tiff
Dear PC Second-Class Citizen,
Although I’m sure there are many ways that you could increase your clout, TikTok is an excellent place to start! However, instead of trying to become the next Nate Watson, you should set yourself apart and establish a unique brand. Here are a few suggestions to get you started: take videos of yourself talking to the PC squirrels, do Ray dinner reviews, or ask Dean Sears for a collab. I’m confident that you’ll win the hearts, views, and likes of Providence College soon enough.
Catch you on the ’Tok,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by trogers5 on February 17, 2022
Portfolio
Dear Tiff and Earl,
I slipped and fell on the ice in front of an entire civ class coming out of Ruane this morning. No one even helped me up (what happened to “Friars Hold Doors”?). How do I recover from this embarrassment?
Sincerely,
Professional Ice Skater
Dear Professional Ice Skater,
The best way out of a faux pas is to make it seem intentional. Don’t be afraid to be idiosyncratic. You head right back out and wipe out on that ice as dramatically as you can. If you’re nervous, have a shot of some liquid courage first. Repeat as necessary until your reputation is no longer that of a ham-footed klutz, but that of a brave and interesting individual. It’s foolproof, believe me.
Cheers!
Tiff
Dear Professional Ice Skater,
Revenge is a dish best served ice-cold. The night before the next time this civ class meets, dump buckets of cold water on the spot you tripped on and let mother nature do the rest. Those students will rue the day that they betrayed the most sacred law of Providence College: “Friars Hold Doors.” Sure, some innocent people might succumb to your icy trap as well, but if your ice skating career doesn’t work out, this will make for a great villain origin story.
Watch out for ice, ice, baby!
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by trogers5 on February 10, 2022
Portfolio
Dear Tiff and Earl,
My boyfriend won’t take me on a Valentine’s Day date because it’s too close to Super Bowl Sunday. Should I ditch him for Joe Burrow?
Sincerely,
Big Bengals Fan
Dear Big Bengals Fan,
Don’t give up on your man just yet! With a little creativity, you can have your cake and eat it, too. Combine your Valentine’s Day with his Super Bowl by serving classic game day snacks with a romantic twist—for instance, a seven-layer dip not of beans and cream cheese but of all sorts of aphrodisiacs—and by programming your TV to play slideshows of the two of you as a couple instead of commercials. No doubt you can come up with plenty of other little ways to remind him that he’s your special quarterback. Be ingenious! He sounds like he’s worth it.
Cheers!
Tiff
Dear Big Bengals Fan,
While I am completely in favor of you getting revenge on your football-fanatic boyfriend by ditching him for a man who can actually play the sport, why go for a Bengal when you could have the GOAT? Now that Tom Brady has officially retired, the man is going to have plenty of time on his hands. What better way for him to spend it than a romantic Valentine’s Day date with a college student? Maybe you could even bring a friend for a double date with Gronk.
Your even bigger Pats fan,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by trogers5 on January 27, 2022
Portfolio
Dear Tiff and Earl,
What happened to Syllabus Week? It’s one day into the semester and I’m already feeling the burnout. Help.
Sincerely,
Going Downhill Fast
Dear Downhill,
Now, now, always remember that you MUST put yourself first. If you feel that you need to, take a self-care week. Don’t worry about your professors, your classes, your roommates, or any other responsibilities. Write a syllabus on YOU, and make THAT class your first priority. You can’t graduate without fulfilling YOUR core requirements!
Cheers!
Tiff
Dear Going Downhill Fast,
When I find myself in times of trouble, I pull out my handy-dandy binder full of printed copies of all of Dean Sears’ emails from the past few years. Stop whatever you’re doing, go to your nearest printer (use your precious printing money if necessary—this is worth it), print the email of your choice, and carry it with you wherever you go to remind yourself that no matter how rough of a start your semester is off to, you are part of one heart. One heartbeat. One community.
Your dean of advice/vice president of Tiff and Earl affairs,
Earl