Tag: Tiff and Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on November 19, 2021
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
Should I break up with my boyfriend to feel the pain of Taylor Swift’s new album? I just feel like it would make listening to Red a surreal experience (and fit the vibe).
Sincerely,
Not Too Well (Taylor’s Version)
Dear Not Too Well,
If you are asking this question, you have already arrived at the right answer. But let me make one suggestion as to a method of proceeding from this point: make sure he knows that you asked good old Tiff and Earl this question. If he has a smackerel of sense, he’ll understand, and graciously allow you to be the dumpee, not the dumper. It’s much better that way. Let him tear up your relationship. It’s obviously not a masterpiece. It’s a Bob Ross painting.
Cheers!
Tiff
Dear Not Too Well (Taylor’s Version),
In order to get the full and proper effect of Red (Taylor’s Version), you can’t be the one to break up with your boyfriend—he must be the one to dump you. If your man has a proclivity for attending indie music concerts on a weekly basis, owns a million-dollar couch, and incurred your father’s disapproval when he failed to show up at your 21st birthday party, the good news is that he should be breaking your heart any day now!
Don’t let him keep your scarf from that very first week, even though it reminds him of innocence, and it smells like you.
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on October 21, 2021
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
None of my professors can ever find dry-erase markers. Where have they all gone?
Sincerely,
Weekend Whiteboard Worrier
Dear Weekend Whiteboard Worrier,
Your professors know exactly where those markers are. This is a power play. When your professor is fumbling at the podium, and her eyes start darting crazily, and she drops to the floor and starts crawling, you had better wake up. (She might be under your chair in a moment.) When she springs back up with the marker she’s pulled out of her shoe, you will be relieved, but still a little scared. You didn’t know what she would have done without that marker. You were worried. Yes, now she’s got you. Or, when your professor begins to look sheepishly all around, and his shoulders begin to sag, and his eyes begin to get a little shiny, you will be touched. Raging against the vicious marker-removing forces, you will pity him, vow to defend him. Yes, now he’s got you…
Cheers!
Tiff
Dear Weekend Whiteboard Worrier
Haven’t you heard of PC’s Underground Whiteboard Reclamation Movement (UWRM)? This group of revolutionaries takes to the classrooms of Ruane, Ryan, and more in the dead of night to liberate the whiteboard markers of Providence College from their use as weapons in the crusade of academia. Every Saturday night in an undisclosed location, they meet and put these markers to their true use—drawing cute pictures of puppies. I fear that I’ve said too much. If I go missing, you’ll know why.
You didn’t hear anything from me,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on October 7, 2021
Features
Dear Tiff & Earl,
How do I protect myself from contracting the PC Plague? Everyone has walking pneumonia and keeps lifting their mask in the middle of class to cough and sneeze.
Sincerely,
At Least It’s Not COVID
Dear At Least It’s Not COVID,
Believe you me, I know it’s hard when you’re the only sane one left in a world of pleasure-loving, self-centered geese, but you cannot control others’ actions, only your own, and so your instinct to protect yourself is spot on. Preventative measures are the college student’s best friend. In defense against the common cold, the secret lies in two things: protein and aromatics. For the first, try a meat-heavy diet. Slim Jims are cheap and Vienna sausages are cheaper. For the second, fill a cheesecloth bag with herbs and spices, heavy on the cinnamon, light on the cloves, and wear it around your neck day in and day out. Now brave the wheezing, spitting world. You’ll feel almost as strong as you smell.
Cheers!
Tiff
Dear At Least It’s Not COVID,
As long as you follow basic personal hygiene protocols, you should have nothing to be concerned about. You’ll want to make sure you’re wearing at least five masks at all times, even in your dorm room. Even though your professors will ask you to speak up in class and your friends will complain that they can’t hear a word you say, you can rest assured that not a single germ will break through that impenetrable barrier. Not a single smell, either, so for your own sake, make sure to use a breath mint before slipping your masks on.
Don’t forget to wash your hands,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on September 30, 2021
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
Rumor has it that Jack Harlow is performing at Late Night Madness this year. How do I secure front row seats, and how do I also secure Jack Harlow?
Sincerely,
Jack Harlow’s (Industry) Baby
Dear Jack Harlow’s Baby,
Step one: purchase a ticket and a grappling hook. Step two: research as necessary to devise an airproof fake identity. Allow me to recommend the guise of Jack Harlow’s mother, who misses her darling son with all of her tender heart. Step three: have a snarling, slobbering fit at the entrance to Late Night Madness and explain through your sobs that there has been a terrible mistake and you were supposed to surprise your baby boy in the front row. Show baby pictures, maybe a lock of hair and a tooth. (Everyone trusts a mother with a tooth.) Once you’re in the front row, use your grappling hook to secure the package.
Now run.
Cheers!
Tiff
Dear Jack Harlow’s (Industry) Baby,
To answer your first question, there are two possible ways to get front row seats at Late Night Madness. The first is to enter the arena, Hunger Games-style, prepared to fight everyone from the men’s basketball team to Dean Sears for that privilege. The second way to do so would be to bribe The Cowl’s Arts & Entertainment editors into giving you a ticket. Rumor has it that they accept bribes in the form of cash, candy, or Taylor Swift merchandise. To answer your second question, if by secure you mean steal, then Hunger Games-style combat should again do the trick. If you mean romance, keep on dreaming.
May the odds be ever in your favor,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on September 23, 2021
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
It’s that time of the year—the squirrels are starting to gain awareness again and have begun pummelling our heads with acorns. How should we wage war against them? I think we might want to get the pigeon involved.
Sincerely,
Fallen Soldier
Dear Fallen Soldier,
You are right to revolt. We must rise up. But don’t be hasty. If the pigeon is of sound moral character, he’ll join us in our fight, and I suspect he may be the key to our victory. But let’s not put all our eggs in one bird nest. First we must establish whether we can trust our beaked brother. He’s not a bird you want to meet in a dark alley. Your first mission is to determine where his loyalty flies. Should he prove trustworthy, your second mission is to enlist him and arm him (wing him?). Three words: Concealed carrier pigeon. Now three more: We will overcome. The squirrels will never know what hit them.
Warmly,
Tiff
Dear Fallen Soldier,
You’re absolutely right: in this years-long, hard-fought, violent battle between the defenseless students of Providence College and the malicious squirrels that seek to threaten our very way of life, the pigeon is our last best hope. Since all pigeons are obviously government drones planted with the intent of spying on the unsuspecting public, we’ll need to hijack the FBI’s database. Let’s just hope we can save some of the computer science majors from the squirrels before it’s too late.
Your comrade-in-arms,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by Elizabeth McGinn on May 6, 2021
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
I have found myself suffering from a bad case of senioritis as a freshman. Any cures?
Sincerely,
Soon-to-be Sophomore
Dear Fresh Meat,
Finals week is coming and there is only one cure. Go to the bowels of the library where the light of day does not shine. Chain yourself to one of the desks or tables there. Eat and drink nothing but Dr. Pepper until you have completed all of your work. Speak to no one. If you find yourself desperate for food, a meager bag of chips is all you are allowed to consume. Depending on your schedule, the vending machine might run out of Dr. Pepper, in which case you must scour campus for your elixir of life. This is the only way and it has indeed been proven to be successful. If you need any further motivation at all, listen to the Braveheart freedom speech on repeat. This is the only way.
Tough lovingly,
Tiff
Dear Frustrated Freshman,
Oh yes, I have something. Just think about the sweet, sweet halls of AQ that you get to roam next year. They’re filled with the highest quality amenities such as beige walls, doors that do not shut, and weird, little toilets in random corners. You’ll get to party in the lounge till 2 a.m. on a Tuesday before rolling out of bed for a Ray breakfast. Just don’t you dare step foot in the wrong side of the building or you will get expelled on the spot. Indeed, thoughts of AQ dancing in your head should power you through the end of the year!
AQ-tiely,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by Elizabeth McGinn on April 22, 2021
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
What is this “darty” everyone keeps talking about? I can’t find it on Urban Dictionary. Is it some obscure class? A fun hat? A spelling mistake? A party where darts are thrown?
Sincerely,
I Was Homeschooled
Dear Homie,
Your innocence is refreshing during these beer-saturated times. I’m not sure whether to disclose this information to you or protect your mental virginity. To put it lightly, a darty is a forbidden place during COVID-19 times. If you hear the word, run for the hills, get as far away as you can, wear at least six masks, and pray the Rosary several times. Be on your guard because darties thrive in nice weather. Have PC security on speed dial. You may have to call multiple times, though, since they’re probably stationed at their own flip cup table.
Protectively,
Tiff
Dear Darty Dan,
I have never been invited to a darty, so I really could not tell you. In fact, I have never been invited to a party, either. I can only speculate that a darty, at its core, is an educational event. There is probably riveting philosophical debate. Maybe even intense discussions on the India-Pakistan dispute over control of the Kashmir region. I suppose it could also be where college kids stand in a parking lot on a nice day and drink cheap, crappy beer, but I like my first idea better.
Indubitably,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by Elizabeth McGinn on April 15, 2021
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
The squirrels are back, and they’re making it known. Despite being vaccinated, I’m still fearful. How do we defend ourselves against their attack?
Sincerely,
I Draw the Line at Chipmunks
Dear Squirrel-aphobe,
I hate to break it to you, but I think the vaccine only protects you from COVID-19, not from bushy-tailed woodland creatures. You can try staying away from trash cans and trees, but as the old saying goes, if you can’t beat them, join them. The army of squirrels on campus is too big for one person to combat, and as finals get closer and you start getting a little squirrely in the head yourself, you might realize that you have more in common with them than you think. As you try to make peace with them, remember that they can smell fear. Good luck!
Nuttily,
Tiff
Dear Squirrelhater88,
Only Pfizer works against squirrel bites, so I hope you’re in luck! If not, and the reports are true, it’s time to fortify your location. Ruane seems like the best building to defend against the imminent squirrel invasion. Pile as many Civ books against the doors and hope for the best. I’d also advise carrying a bag of acorns in case the walls are breached. A final bargaining chip goes a long way. Best of luck against those nutty beasts!
Fearfully,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by Elizabeth McGinn on March 18, 2021
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
I’m trying to get a leprechaun to join my pod. How should I entice them? Do I sprinkle Lucky Charms for them to follow?
Sincerely,
In Need of a Little Luck
Dear In Need,
Although Lucky Charms are magically delicious, actual leprechauns have higher standards (don’t ask how I know—I just do). You’ll have to become well-versed in making corned beef and cabbage, boiled potatoes, and Irish soda bread. You’re also going to have to do a jig and play a tin whistle in front of the entirety of campus, because leprechauns love humiliation as much as they do mischief (again, don’t ask how I know this). Ironically, you’re going to need a lot of luck to be able to attract a leprechaun, so good luck!
Jiggingly,
Tiff
Dear Not-So-Lucky,
Leprechauns are notoriously difficult to entice. Unfortunately, the last thing they want to be fed is corporate propaganda that profits off their own likeness. Nope, they want real, solid gold. Approximately $20,000 worth. I’ve heard Eaton Street Cafe is selling some if you have Friar Bucks to spare.
Goldenly,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by Elizabeth McGinn on March 4, 2021
Features
Dear Tiff & Earl,
Meatless Fridays have begun. Any suggestions on how I can smuggle in and/or find some meat on campus?
Sincerely,
Carnivore
Dear Carnivore,
I believe I have to defer your question to Arby’s, because they are quite confident that they have the meats.
Juicily,
Tiff
Dear Carnivore,
Smuggling is the way to go. I have decided to compile a comprehensive list of the best meat-based items on the Big Tony’s menu for you. Number one: the Donnie Brasco. A McDermott favorite, this wrap will be sure to cure your Friday-at-2 a.m. cravings. Number two: the Lucky Luciano. Another meat-filled delight, make sure to order it right behind the library for maximum enjoyment. Number three: the meatball calzone. A Tony’s classic, this meal is as comforting as the Morning Mail. Enjoy!
Meatily,
Earl