by Elizabeth McGinn on February 25, 2021

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Dear Tiff and Earl,

I can’t handle The Cowl not publishing a new issue every week anymore. What do I do with my newfound free time in the off weeks?

Sincerely,
Cuckoo for Cowl Puffs

 

Dear C4CP,

We at The Cowl are deeply flattered by your dependence on our weekly issues. Because you love The Cowl so much, I think you can explore ways of displaying that and thoroughly integrating it into your life. Take your next Civ exam on our latest issue, or try to make a shirt by folding and stapling the pages (although don’t plan on wearing it on a rainy day). The possibilities are really endless. You’ll also be promoting recycling at the same time. Maybe you can even figure out how to make a mask out of old issues of The Cowl. You’re never too old for arts and crafts.

Creatively,
Tiff

 

Dear Cuckoo,

The lack of a Cowl issue every week can be jarring. Luckily, I have two things for you to do on campus to pass the time. The first is to try to set the Ray chicken nugget day record. I would say 76 nuggets should cement your place in PC history. Next comes the McVinney stair challenge. Please just do not do it on the same day as the nuggets. These two events should buy you enough time until the next issue; perhaps you will even get on the front page!

Your friend,
Earl

 

by Elizabeth McGinn on February 11, 2021

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Dear Tiff & Earl,

It’s me again. Turns out we’re both positive—positively lovesick. We’re quarantined in the Marriott together, and his room is right beside mine. The walls are paper-thin. Tensions are growing—and so is my COVID viral load. Should I learn Morse code to communicate my desires?

Sincerely,
Caught Feelings (and COVID)

Dear Catchy Feely,

Just remember that you’re feverish for reasons other than your feelings for this guy. If you want to try learning Morse code, then go for it, but there might be slightly less cryptic ways of going about it. If the walls are paper-thin, you might as well go all in and have a full-on conversation. Keep it light and play on the fact that you’re sharing a common experience. If you profess your love too soon, you could risk scaring the COVID out of him and lose him to the outside world. Use your time in isolation to plan carefully. Maybe even recite some Romeo and Juliet “for Civ” if you’re feeling daring.

Avoiding contactly,
Tiff

Dear Caught Feelings,

Happy to hear things are progressing between you two! While Morse code may sound romantic, I recommend literally not even talking to him. He’s not worth it, queen. Rest up, eat the Sodexo food, stay COVID-free, and get back to campus as soon as you can. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Definitely not hurt beforably,
Earl

 

by Elizabeth McGinn on February 4, 2021

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 Dear Tiff and Earl,

I made eye contact with someone across the testing center, and I think I met my soulmate. His cerulean orbs locked with mine behind the plexiglass. From the moment he exposed his nose, I knew he was really the one. How do I profess my swab-induced love?

Sincerely,
Catching Feelings, Not COVID

 

Dear Fetching Feelings,

Finding a college heartthrob is one thing, but finding a college heart swab is entirely different. Love at first swab is arguably more powerful and more intimate than love at first sight in this day and age. I think the best thing you can do is find a way of asking him to get tested with you. He will suavely walk with you (six feet away) down the lane in Peterson, then you can get a peek at his ID when he presses it against the plexiglass, and finally you can get another look at the face of your future fiancé. He’ll catch a glimpse at your face and hopefully that’s all the motivation he needs. Make sure to blow your nose a ton before you go—you don’t want any boogers killing the mood. 

 Swabily,
Tiff

 

Dear Catching Feelings, 

Dating during a pandemic is undeniably difficult. Luckily, there is a way you can see your beloved’s face on campus! Simply ask them out on a Dunkin’ date in Slavin. As we all know, if you have a Dunkin’ cup in your hand, you are exempt from spreading COVID and can sit maskless in Slavin. What a neat quirk of the virus!

Exasperatedly,
Earl

 

by The Cowl Editor on November 12, 2020

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Dear Tiff and Earl,

My family wants to play socially-distanced football at Thanksgiving. How do I learn it in ten minutes?

Sincerely,
I Was a Theatre Kid

 

Dear Theatre Kid,

Sports can be hard. Luckily, it seems like these socially distant modifications can play to your advantage. My advice: once the whistle blows simply run inside. No one will be able to stop you since they cannot come within six feet of you. Next, go to the television, log on to Disney+, and turn on Hamilton. This will keep you from feeling “helpless” out on the football field.

Satisfyingly,
Earl

 

Dear Play Boy,

Your theatre skills might actually help you here. Faking out your opponent is really big in football, and that has got to take some serious acting skills. Think of the deep cut as an over-dramatic exit stage left. And if all else goes wrong, fake an injury (although you might want to watch some soccer players for tips on how to do that). The field is a stage and all the players are merely actors.

Hikingly,
Tiff

 

by The Cowl Editor on October 29, 2020

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Dear Tiff & Earl,

My neighbors across the hall are violating their pod by summoning spirits. The demons aren’t social distancing or wearing masks. How do I report them?

Sincerely,
In Need of an Exorcist and a Vaccine

 

Dear Vac-orcist,

While interacting with people outside of your pod is not the best idea and masks should be worn at all times, I think your main concern should be that there are DEMONS from the GREAT BEYOND in your DORM! Unless you’re living in the tunnels, that is highly concerning and rather uncomfy. Emailing FixIt will not help you in this case. I think you need to take some more drastic measures. Perhaps enlisting the Ghostbusters might be in your best interest.

Bewarefully,
Tiff

 

Dear Reader,

Luckily, as everyone knows, demons cannot contract COVID-19. I would, however, be more concerned with them stealing your soul. A quick email to your neighbors explaining your concerns should suffice. You perhaps could suggest other, more safe activities to them, such as hunting Sasquatch or communicating with Satan.

Dreadfully,
Earl

 

by The Cowl Editor on October 15, 2020

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Dear Tiff and Earl,

I’ve had four Halloween costumes picked out for the past year. Now that Halloween is canceled, what should I do?

Sincerely,

Incapable of Returning Packages to Amazon

 

Dear Clearly Has Never Utilized the Convenience of Dropping Things Off at the UPS Store,

Might as well start integrating these costumes into your regular wardrobe. If some of them come with a mask, then that’s even better given the present circumstances. Professors should start giving style points for Zoom classes. Some people aren’t even putting in the effort to put on a pair of pants, but you’d be blowing them out of the water by wearing a costume. These are the days for fashion experiments. 

Trendingly,

Tiff

 

Dear I.O.R.P.T.A., 

My address is 1 Cunningham Square, Providence, RI, 02918. I am in need of a spooky costume and it seems like you have one to spare. My plans: sit on the couch and eat as much chocolate as I can. Actually, that is what I do on a normal Halloween anyways. You might consider doing the same.

Spookily, 

Earl

 

by The Cowl Editor on October 2, 2020

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Dear Tiff & Earl,

Lately, I’ve been getting extreme mask-cne. Nobody sees it because of my mask, but I know it is there and I don’t find it very attractive. How do I learn to find myself attractive again?

Sincerely,
Pimple Rick

 

Dear Pimple Rick, 

Usually I have something witty to say, but not this time. Life’s too short to worry about appearances. The people that truly care about you will stick around no matter how you look. Learning to love yourself despite your imperfections is one of the most important things in life. Oh yeah, and remember to wash your mask. 

Lovingly,
Earl

 

Dear Pimple Rick, 

Look yourself in the eyes and say, “You’re a champion. You got up today and you’re going to make the world a better place for it. Acne can’t stop this living, breathing legend.” Be your own biggest hype man. And honestly, having acne makes you human. You needed one imperfection to put you at the same level as the rest of us. But I’ve also heard Neutrogena works wonders. 

Scrubbingly,
Tiff

by The Cowl Editor on September 17, 2020

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Dear Tiff and Earl,

I passed gas on my Zoom call and my video went on speaker view. How do I recover?

Sincerely,
Mortified Morty

 

Dear Mortified Morty, 

There’s no way to reverse engineer the damage that has been done. The only good thing is that if this were an in-person class, you definitely would have turned up some noses or killed the grass around you. But anyway, my best suggestions for the future are to keep a whoopee cushion nearby (for comedic relief), lay off the beans, and KEEP YOUR MIC ON MUTE IF YOU FEEL YOUR TUMMY A-RUMBLING. I must say, this seems like an easily preventable issue, but I suppose we all need a little extra help these days.

Fragrantly,
Tiff

 

Dear Morty, 

Drop the class. Now, this may seem like an overreaction, but remember, you have a personal brand to maintain. No teacher has ever written a grad student recommendation for the student who excelled at passing the most gas. Perhaps try to pick up a woodworking class instead. The noise will cover up any further mishaps. 

Sneakily,
Earl

 

by The Cowl Editor on September 3, 2020

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Dear Tiff and Earl,

I was planning on finally getting out into the dating game when the pandemic hit. How am I supposed to find a date when we must wear masks and stay six feet apart?

Sincerely, 

Corona Crushed 

by Connor Zimmerman on March 5, 2020

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Dear Tiff and Earl,

March 6 is Dentist Appreciation Day, and I want to thank my dentist for all the pain, tears, and clean gums that she has given me. What can I give her to represent the complex and complicated relationship that I have with her, besides flossing?

Sincerely,
Pearl E. White

 

Dear Grin,

Nothing says appreciation like a blanket woven out of floss. If the floss is used, even better. It shows your gift is personal and that you’re a good patient.

Mintily,
Tiff

 

Dear Mother of Pearl, 

My dentist is always talking about how much he loves teeth. He loves teeth so much that he has devoted his life to cleaning teeth. That type of devotion deserves a special type of recognition. I got my dentist a life-size replica of my teeth made out of gold so that he can look at teeth whenever he wants to. I imagine that all dentists have a tooth fetish, so this gift should be universally loved among dentists. 

Grinning,
Earl