Tag: Tiff and Earl
Tiff and Earl
by Connor Zimmerman on February 27, 2020
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Dear Tiff and Earl,
I just woke up, and I wish I didn’t. I’m covered in Mondoz ranch dressing and I might’ve stolen a poster from them. I even called them the other night to say hi. I think I have a problem. What do I do?
Regretfully,
Mondoz Maniac
Dear Mondiac,
Admitting you have a problem is the first step. You could take this opportunity to form an MA group—Mondoz Anonymous. Something tells me you’re not the only one with this problem. You can all bond over some pizza (depending on the severity of the issue; you wouldn’t want to be insensitive).
Cheesily,
Tiff
Dear Manic Mondo,
Say hello to my little friend, Big Tony. I think this is a problem that only a good fella like him can solve. I make a few phone calls and all of this disappears. After all, Big Tony is one for making offers which can’t be refused…
Gangsterly,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by Connor Zimmerman on February 14, 2020
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Dear Tiff and Earl,
I just found out that my significant other is allergic to every single flower known to man and hates all chocolate (I promise she’s fun!), and CVS has nothing else that is Valentine’s Day related. What should I get her?
Nervously,
Drug Store Drags
Dear DSD,
Don’t sell CVS short. Just because it’s not related to Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean it isn’t a thoughtful gift. Nothing says love like a bottle of laxatives (she’ll thank you later).
Regularly,
Tiff
Dear Druggie,
Flowers and chocolate won’t do anything your personality hasn’t proven. Your woman knows who you are, so just be yourself. Offer her the rest of the pizza you’ve already eaten half of. Give her a hug, after you’ve wiped the Cheeto dust off your fingers and onto the frayed undershirt you’re still wearing after three days. Just show her you care, even if that’s by giving her the Disney+ password. She needs the nostalgia more than you need The Mandalorian. After all, who knows, afterwards you might “Kiss the Girl” or even “Go the Distance” with her.
Lovingly,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by Connor Zimmerman on February 7, 2020
Portfolio
Dear Tiff and Earl,
My roommate has commandeered our room to create a support group for Patriots fans due to their recent trauma of not getting into the Super Bowl. I’ve asked him to have his group meet elsewhere, but he told me, “You don’t understand the pain we are going through. We’ve lost our sense of who we are.” What should I do so that I can have my room back and not have to listen to them talk about the Patriots 24/7?
Sincerely,
Do your job elsewhere
Dear Willfuly Unemployed,
Sounds like this is an unsanctioned club. Tell them they have to get approval from Student Activities, apply through Student Congress to see if they are deemed worthy of having a budget, and among other things, they must provide a statement defending the contribution that their organization will make to the PC community and sponsor at least two events. If they don’t, then one of the deans is going to have a word with them. These mopers should do their job.
Officially,
Tiff
Dear Pats Hater,
Honestly, I can relate to your frustrations. All anyone cares about in New England is that Patriots cult and their smooch-forward leader, Tom Brady. Tell your roommates to take him out on Valentine’s Day, and use the opportunity to call a locksmith and gain control of your room. In the words of Jesse Pinkman, “This is my own private domicile, and I will not be harrassed.” If your roommate has nothing more intelligent to speak about than the footy-ball sports-game, they don’t deserve to sleep in your presence.
Bitterly,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by Connor Zimmerman on January 30, 2020
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Dear Tiff and Earl,
I was late to my class one morning, and when I arrived there were no seats in the room. I had to sit in the corner next to the professor by myself like a fool. What are some ways that I can get to class faster?
Sadly,
Flat-footed Fred
Dear Flat,
Go retro and bring back Heelies. Those 2008 wonders never got enough credit. They’re environmentally-considerate and space-efficient. If that doesn’t work, I’d recommend just sleeping in the classroom the night before you have the class or carrying around one of those backpack chairs so you can sit where you please.
Fleetingly,
Tiff
Dear Flatty,
I can’t imagine anything worse than having to sit next to the professor. Actually, listening to them tell personal stories during class is worse. But anyway, just kick someone else out of their seat if you find yourself late again. If you want to get to class faster, I hear Dr. Telly Porter has an independent study researching this concept next semester.
Speedily,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by Connor Zimmerman on January 16, 2020
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Dear Tiff and Earl,
I had so much down time over winter break that I started pondering the meaning of the universe and now I’m having a quarter-life crisis. I think I want to drop out of school and move to an igloo in Alaska. Thoughts?
Sincerely,
Wannabe Hermit
Dear Hermie,
Unless you can find the answer to climate change in your search for the meaning of the universe, your igloo isn’t going to last long. There’s a reason that none of the three little pigs made a house of ice. They knew. Take a page out of their book.
Realistically and fantastically,
Tiff
Dear Wannabe Kermit,
The meaning of the universe is inconsequnetial for now. Our main focus should be monetizing your precipitous decline from a life of privilege into icy asceticism. I’d bet you could make at least one HGTV special and two never-ending TLC shows about your crazy igloo life. Plus, you could guest star on all those other shows they film in Alaska. You’ll have plenty of time to ponder the universe while counting all those royalty checks!
Frigidly,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on December 7, 2019
Christmas
Dear Tiff and Earl,
I was hired to write a new Hallmark movie and am out of ideas. What clichés should I use?
Merrily,
Clueless at Christmas
Dear Clueless,
Forget the clichés. Doesn’t anyone ever wonder what happened to that guy that the girl was supposed to marry but then realizes he isn’t right for her and falls in love with some flannel-clad, blue-jean stud? I’m sure the other guy wasn’t that bad, but he still had his heart broken! How’s his Christmas going to be? Probably not as merry and bright as his ex-lover’s. Geez, the poor guy was probably getting ready to propose, too. Write a movie for him, we’ve got enough clichés out there.
Uncommonly,
Tiff
Dear Hall and Mark,
Running out of new ideas is central to making a good Hallmark move. If you’re trying to appeal to a new audience, try adding in some clichés from Lifetime movies. What’s the real reason Lydia fell in love with the man who moved to her quaint small town where it’s always Christmas? Well, the last woman to refuse him ended up in a windowless white van. Who knows what’s buried under that cute gazebo in the town square…
Uninventively,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on November 22, 2019
Portfolio
Dear Tiff and Earl,
Last year I got crushed in a stampede on Black Friday, and I was in a coma until Christmas. How do I arm myself this year?
Best,
Blacked Out Friday
Dear BOF,
There’s this thing called Amazon. It’s prime.
Inexpensively,
Tiff
Dear Ruby Bruiseday,
This is no time for caution. Offense is the best defense. So, when it comes to shopping, that means we need to ready our “May I Talk To Your Manager” attitude and get down to business. Black Friday takes a team, so make sure you’ve got a forward, backward, and sideways tackle. And a helmet. And snacks. The enemy doesn’t want you to succeed, but they won’t expect you to be organized. Shock them with your coupon skills and awe them as you burn rubber with your shopping cart through the aisles of your nearest Target. This is not a noble fight, but it’s one we fight nonetheless.
Bravely,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on November 14, 2019
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
Help, my roommates think it’s too early to start decorating for Christmas, but I already put my tree up! Is my blow-up Santa too much?
Sincerely,
Stocking Stuffer
Dear Stocking Stuffer,
You’re merely temporarily relocating some of your possessions. Leave it open for interpretation. Plus, Christmas is about Jesus, so you haven’t really started decorating until you bring out the blow-up nativity. Bake some cookies for your roommates, and that’ll shut them up.
Ho Ho Hopefully Helpful,
Tiff
Dear Stocking,
Put that Santa back up the chimney until Black Friday at least! Halloween was barely two weeks ago, and Thanksgiving hasn’t even happened yet. We all know the early Christmas campaign is just for capitalist companies to get more money out of us honest working-class people. Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas too, but give the Turkeys and Pilgrims some love first.
Gobble gobble,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by Sarah D Kirchner on November 7, 2019
Portfolio
Dear Tiff and Earl,
I just found out my roommate is taking the same person to Senior Ring Weekend as me. What happens now?
Sincerely,
Throuple Trouble
Dear Throuble,
The only answer is sabotage. Have your roommate’s outfit conveniently disappear and/or accidentally trashed (you could have some fun with that). Although in actuality, this is probably your date’s fault, so you and your roommate should make your date feel the wrath of your retaliation. It’ll be a great roommate bonding activity!
Formally but not too formally,
Tiff
Dear Throuples Only,
Embrace the chaos. this is your chance to add some spice to your lacking roommate dynamic. It’s clear you are having communication problems with your roommate, and I think adding another person will bring the passion back into your relationship. I mean you and your roommate clearly like this other person enough to bring them to SRW. You know what they say—it takes two to tango, but three is when the real fun begins to happen ;)
Warmly,
Early
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on November 1, 2019
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Dear Tiff and Earl,
The spider hanging over my bed is whispering sweet nothings into my ear. How do I proceed?
Cautiously,
Slightly Interested
Dear Slightly Interested,
It’s 2019, so no judgment here. The one thing I would say is make sure she doesn’t have kids because that could be a pain. She’d be a cheap date so that’s to your benefit. Just round up a few flies, and you’re good to go. Pro tip: make sure your roommates don’t squish her.
P.S. does she have a gig at Legs and Eggs?
Creepy Crawlingly,
Tiff
Dear Slight Shady,
GO FOR IT. Let’s be real—these days we need to take what we can get, and cuffing season is upon us. After all, nothings are fine as long as they’re sweet! They can’t be as bad as the uncouth things your uncle says at Thanksgiving. Plus, the extra legs might come in handy—you never know!
Dangly,
Earl