A Rock A Pocket Dictionary An Orange A Box of Raisins Airplane Peanuts Nothing, they wouldn’t open the door A Toothbrush Stale Starburst Cough Drops A Head of Cabbage Last Halloween’s Candy Knock-off Tootsie Rolls Fig Newtons Nature Valley Granola Bars Cheez-Its Pencils Black Licorice Fortune Cookies
Dear Tiff and Earl, Is it proper for women to be learned? Sincerely, Sir Clement Pickleton VII No. Stay as undereducated as possible. No education = no job = a great excuse for a guy to pay for all your drinks (even after you’re 21). Also, men are intimidated by smart women, so if […]
Shopping Spree (i.e. a bottle of wine and Amazon Prime) Dip in the Koi Pond Eat Donuts Bungee Jump Off of the Torch Start Studying for Finals Prescription Drugs Drop Out Binge the Show Leaving Netflix Next Week Look at Transfer Applications Ignore Calls from Home Make a Voodoo Doll of Your Professor See if […]
by Julia Zygiel ’19 and Kiley McMahon ’20 Blood coats the floors, a trail of it leading out the door to the driveway. Stephen King: “So… this is why you called me here?” Gillian Flynn: “Stephen, there is no time for questions. I need to hide the evidence before the police come and you […]
Dear Tiff and Earl, Why is Ruane Café NOT open on weekends? I find this a terrible and grave injustice. How can I live without my nightly Allie’s Donut and caramel macchiato? Sincerely, Weekdays Are For Losers Dear Weekends are for Losers, I have no idea why the Ruane Café is not open on […]
“We have to talk about the hot poker up the butt.” “Legit. Wait, do kids still say that?” “It did NOT involve penetration!” “Stop being high and contribute to the conversation.” “Yes, these people are naked.” “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to slap you.” “So you would eat somebody?” “You’d better be texting, not doing […]
Dear Tiff and Earl, How do I treat the feral cats that live under my porch? They have conjunctivitis. Sincerely, Paige “Peach” Calabrese Dear Paige, Adopt one as a pet! Duh! I am not entirely sure what conjunctivitis is, but who cares. You can be like Taylor Swift and her cats and take cute […]
“Can you tell that loud table to shut up?” “Wanna hang out later? ;) ” “Can you read this book to me?” “Is it chicken nugget day yet?” “We need to talk.” “Are we still on for breakfast?” “Can you comment on my picture? I feel so alone.” “Please stop flicking the lights—I know you’re closing!” […]
Dear Tiff and Earl, Should I take the GREs? If so, how do I prepare for them? Sincerely, Forever an Undergrad Dear Forever an Undergrad, I’ve been so swamped with homework and life and friends and the missing Cowls that I haven’t even had time to breathe, so my future is something I just […]
Burned in the Torch The Koi Pond The “No Storage Alloweed” Closet in Ryan Random Dorm Room in Guzman The Matrix The Room of Requirement The Tunnels under Howley The White House Shelby, Ohio Canada (It Got Deported) Middle Earth Joey Aiello’s Trunk