Tag: Tiff and Earl
Tiff & Earl
by The Cowl Editor on March 15, 2018
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
I have a housing crisis. One of my friends wants to live with me next year, but I don’t want to live with them. How do I break this to them without ruining the friendship?
Sincerely,
Pembroke(n)-Hearted
Dear Pembroke(n)-Hearted,
First off, you have an amazing name.
Second, you’re going to have to pull the plug in the most passive aggressive way possible. The more terrible you behave, the more likely it is that they will want to avoid you and then dump you as a roommate. Here are some ways to go about this:
- Never take out the trash. Even when your garbage can is overflowing and smells disgusting—leave it be.
- Scatter all of your laundry (both clean and dirty) all over your floor.
- Chew loudly.
- Never wear headphones. And if they say, “Hey, I haven’t seen that episode yet, could you put in headphones so it doesn’t get spoiled?” pretend you don’t hear them.
- If all else fails, hook up with his or her significant other.
Best of luck; let me know if you need more assistance.
Best,
Tiff
Dear Off-Campus Ostracizer,
Leave the lights on.
Insincerely,
Earl
Tiffany and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on March 1, 2018
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
What are your essential items for spring break traveling? I’m trying to figure out what to bring and could use advice from seasoned veterans like you.
Sincerely,
Potential Packer
Dear Potential Packer,
I have multiple essential items for spring break. Here they are:
- My very worn copy of Fifty Shades of Grey
- Malibu Beach Babe Tanning Oil
- Six pairs of sunglasses to go accordingly with each bikini I plan on wearing
- Alcohol (if you’re of age, of course!)
- A very large and very floppy sunhat
- Slimfast or green tea (to help with the bloating from all the alcohol)
- Make-up wipes
- All of the hair products I own
I hope this helps.
Best,
Tiffany
Dear Todd Packer,
Clean underwear and plenty of cash.
Earl
Tiffany and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on February 15, 2018
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
Why do professors make us print so much? I shouldn’t be out of PC Prints before midterms!
Sincerely,
Low on Ink (and Patience)
Dear Low on Ink,
Here’s a tip: just don’t print any of it. Then, when asked why you didn’t do the reading, say you have the flu. I know that’s lying and lying is bad, but enough people have been sick lately that no one is going to notice if you are telling the truth or not! You have at least two weeks to use this excuse so take advantage of it! I know that’s what I would do.
Also, for the record, I actually do a lot of my printing for class (surprising, I know) and I never actually run out of printing money. You’re fine. Stop being so dramatic.
All the best,
Tiff
Dear You Guys Made Me Ink,
I haven’t printed for years. I switched to cursive years ago and haven’t looked back. It doesn’t seem to matter much that I can’t read my own notes, but I guess that’s why I’m still here at PC! To prove a point, I suggest using large feather quills to take scripty longhand notes in your classes. I will endorse ostrich or peacock, depending on your aesthetic.
Also, I don’t know who this “PC Prints” is or why you’re out of him, but I can only imagine it’s yet another scam by our autocratic oppressors. They’ll take any chance they can get to milk another dollar out of the deep pockets of our Patagonia fleece jackets.
Earl
Tiffany and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on February 8, 2018
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
My girlfriend wants to go out for nice dinner on Valentine’s Day, but I’m set on going to the PC vs. Villanova game. She’s not really a fan of basketball. How should I bring up this obviously sensitive issue without getting put in the dog house?
Sincerely,
Kiss Cam Hopeful
Hmmmm.
This is a tricky one.
I want to say break up with her.
I also want to say SCREW YOU for putting a BASKETBALL GAME BEFORE YOUR GIRLFRIEND!
Are you an idiot? How many freaking basketball games have you gone to while you have been at PC? Go take your girl out to some fancy-ass restaurant, buy her chocolates, maybe a pretty necklace, and maybe go out to see 50 Shades Freed.
Trust me, if you’ll do that you’ll have a much better evening than if you take her to a PC basketball game. After watching a movie like that, you’re sure to spend a night in handcuffs, which in my opinion are much better than basketballs.
Use protection,
-Tiff
Dear Mr. Desperate,
If you’re hoping to get on the Kiss Cam, you definitely don’t belong at the ’Nova game. Valentine’s Day isn’t about you. It’s not about her. It’s about selling cards and chocolate in between Christmas and Easter. If you really want to stick it to those miserly capitalists, just buy your chocolate after it goes on sale and stop trying to take advantage of your girlfriend at sporting events.
-Earl
Tiffany and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on February 1, 2018
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
I’ve been invited to two Super Bowl parties this year, one by some friends who are Patriots fans, and another by some friends who are Eagles fans. Which one should I go to, and how do I avoid offending my friends from the other team after I decide? FYI, I don’t really care who wins. I’m more of a fan of curling than anything else.
Sincerely,
Stuck on the Line of Scrimmage
Yo.
Tom Brady has five Super Bowl rings. That is literally one for every finger on one hand. I don’t care if you don’t care who wins. I support winners. And Brady and his team are winners. The Patriots are America’s team. The Eagles are for bird watchers. Be better than a bird watcher. Go to the Pats’ party, and when they win, be sure to join your fellow Friars on Eaton for the celebration.
Rock on,
Tiff
Dear Fence Rider,
Let’s be clear. The Super Bowl isn’t about football. It’s about eating yourself silly and indulging in commercials that represent the worst of the American zeitgeist. So, it all comes down to one thing: who will have the better feast? Those darn New Englanders will probably cheap out on food so they can afford to burn their furniture in the street later. Go with your Philly friends—even without a decent cheesesteak they’ll have to have food good enough to offset their inevitable loss. Plus, they’ll need your emotional support later.
Hungrily,
Earl
Tiffany and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on January 25, 2018
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
Where do I go now that Alumni Hall is closed on Sunday nights? I have no desire to kill myself on Guzman Stairs while trying to get to Eaton Street Café.
Sincerely,
“Hangry”
Dear Hangry,
GAHHHH.
To be honest, the new hours in Alumni are just pissing me off. It’s obvious why Sodexo closed Alum on Sundays. They want us to go to the Eaton Street Café or get mozzarella sticks in McPhail’s (barf).
After all this nonsense, I’m canceling my meal plan, and am going to spend the semester eating out from Thayer Street and Federal Hill. Providence has so many good restaurants and I’m going to use this as an opportunity to eat out as much as I can, preferably at a place that offers organic fat and gluten free turkey burgers that are made from free-range turkeys and do not contain any GMOs.
Best,
Tiff
Dear SodexNO,
No need to venture down to lower campus. The wonderful and mysterious interwebs have brought us the magic of UberEats, Yelp Eat24, GrubHub, etc. The greasiest food in all of Providence is at your fat little fingertips thanks to the most “millennial” of all apps.
Earl
Tiffany and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on January 18, 2018
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
I have a real problem here. I am really interested in having a relationship, but I can never tell when members of the opposite sex are flirting with me. Are there any signs or signals you know of that I can look out for in the future?
Sincerely,
Call Me, Maybe?
Dear Call Me Maybe,
First off, if his or her eyes are dilated, that means he or she is sexually aroused. If he or she is sexually aroused, that probably means he or she is flirting with you. I also have learned this funky party trick, which allows me to tell if a man is into a woman (if you are a male seeking advice and are interested in females, this probably will not help you). If a guy is into a gal, his feet will point directly at her. So, if you’re on Eaton Street in some sketchy basement past midnight and are trying to get with a guy, just look at his feet! If they are pointing at you, good news: you’re in!! If his feet are not pointing at you, move on to someone else, preferably someone by the keg because he could pour you one (if you are over 21, of course).
Guys: when I’m into someone I bat my eyes and twirl my hair. Guys: just a piece of advice, do not just assume a girl is into you. If you don’t get what I’m saying here, then watch the Golden Globes and watch the news.
I probably won’t be calling you,
Tiff
Dear Carly Rae Jepsen,
Remember Social Darwinism? That applies to you, too. If you can’t tell when someone is flirting with you, then you really don’t have any place flirting with anyone.
Enjoy your crocs and socks,
Earl
Tiff and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on December 8, 2017
Christmas
Making PC an emotionally stable place one letter at a time…*
Dear Tiff and Earl,
How do I survive the Hunger Games-style battle for study spaces this finals week?
Sincerely,
The Tribute of District McVinney
Dear Tribute,
Ha ha ha. Sorry, I just remember the days when I was in your position—so concerned about finals and grades and GPAs. My dear, here’s how I survive it: just throw in the towel.
You could go the library early and reserve a space by throwing your coat there to indicate someone’s there, but it just takes soooo much effort. I’ve decided to just float on by when it comes to finals. So you won’t be finding me in the business school, library, or Slavin getting my work done.
Interestingly though, I’ve noticed the new Moore Hall tends to have a lot of room for students to study there. Funny how students and administration went on and on about how we could use the building for events and studying, but it is pretty empty! Good thing we put our money to good use for those renovations, am I right?
It’s likely that isn’t actually factual, because I spend most days sleeping off my hangover from the night before, but hey, just thought I’d let ya know.
Good luck with finals,
Tiff
Dear Tributary,
Study spaces? Is that when people put two spaces in between sentences, like some kind of twentieth century grammatical barbarian? Anyway, you’ll find everything you need in the cornucopia, A.K.A. the torch. That’s where the College has invested all of its money to help students! What better to get you through chilly nights of studying than an enormous fake campfire in the middle of the Slavin wind tunnel? Ask and you shall receive, as long as you are a wealthy alumnus of the College.
-Earl
*Tiff & Earl are fictitious and satirical characters whose answers do not reflect the views of Providence College or The Cowl.
Tiffany and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on November 30, 2017
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
What is the proper etiquette when there are potentially-suspicious activities going on in the shower stall next to me?
Sincerely,
Not So Squeaky Clean
Dear Not So Squeaky Clean,
Ummmm, what? What, I mean, I, I just have no idea what you’re talking about. At all. I have no idea. I mean, I have such a lack of an understanding of what you’re trying to ask me, that I mean, I just can’t even begin to imagine how to advise you.
I just, yeah, this has just so completely just never actually ever happened to me ever, that, y’know?
I am just, so sorry I can’t help. Really. But, y’know, I just, I can’t relate. Ha! Sorry.
Good luck though! And I mean, I don’t know, maybe start using another stall?
Best,
Tiffany
Dear Mr. Clean,
Well, at least you are taking showers. I wish my neighbors would follow suit, but that’s apparently too much to ask. The only way to confront suspicious shower activity is to face it head on: swipe open all the curtains and talk to your floor-mates. Nothing brings out the truth like man-to-man eye contact. If you see two sets of feet under the curtain, save your eyes and leave the curtain shut. Instead, just spray cold water from your shower into theirs. Any funny business will quickly shrivel up.
Good luck,
Earl
Tiffany and Earl
by The Cowl Editor on November 16, 2017
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
Why do people decorate for Christmas before Thanksgiving?
Sincerely,
Ho Ho No
Dear Scrooge,
Why don’t MORE people decorate for Christmas before Thanksgiving??? Christmas is the best and most magical time of the year, and honestly I would decorate for Christmas all year long if people wouldn’t think it was weird.
So, I’m all for Christmas. I’m all for packages, ribbons, and bows. I’m all for the spiked eggnog and party dresses. I’m all for the mistletoe.
Also, quick tangent: PC BETTER decorate more for Christmas this year. If I see another wimpy little tree in the middle of Slavin, I’ll be the biggest Grinch you’ve ever seen.
So get over yourself and your love for Thanksgiving.
Wishing you a merry little Christmas,
Tiff
Dear Ho,
I don’t know what Christmas decorations you’re talking about. The only decorations I’ve seen are the crushed Natty cans and empty nips scattered across my dorm like detritus on a seashore following a hurricane. Let’s not forget the variety of liquid stains on the lovely linoleum floors of my hallway. I’m always happy to pay fines for excessive uncleanliness I didn’t cause, especially as lead paint flakes flutter down from my ceiling like the snow which will soon be plowed into grimy heaps all across campus.
Happy winter,
Earl
P.S. How is your holiday weight gain coming along? I’m getting ahead this week with lots of pumpkin pie and ice cream. Don’t hold back with the whipped cream, and definitely skip the gym.
*This is a satirical column that does not reflect the views of Providence College or The Cowl