Tiff and Earl

by Connor Zimmerman on February 14, 2020


Dear Tiff and Earl,

I just found out that my significant other is allergic to every single flower known to man and hates all chocolate (I promise she’s fun!), and CVS has nothing else that is Valentine’s Day related. What should I get her?

Drug Store Drags


Dear DSD,

Don’t sell CVS short. Just because it’s not related to Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean it isn’t a thoughtful gift. Nothing says love like a bottle of laxatives (she’ll thank you later). 



Dear Druggie, 

Flowers and chocolate won’t do anything your personality hasn’t proven. Your woman knows who you are, so just be yourself. Offer her the rest of the pizza you’ve already eaten half of. Give her a hug, after you’ve wiped the Cheeto dust off your fingers and onto the frayed undershirt you’re still wearing after three days. Just show her you care, even if that’s by giving her the Disney+ password. She needs the nostalgia more than you need The Mandalorian. After all, who knows, afterwards you might “Kiss the Girl” or even “Go the Distance” with her.