Dear Tiff and Earl,
I caught my crush and best friend making out in the broom closet at Black and White Ball this weekend. How do I emotionally recover?
I must confess that your story, like a middle-aged man with Santa at the mall, does not sit right with me. Firstly, where even is this broom closet? How did anyone get the key to it? Are you perhaps in Physical Plant? How juicy! But secondly, you say you caught your best friend and crush in the broom closet…but what were YOU doing in the broom closet? Were you perhaps preparing to “make out” in the broom closet with a fourth party? I wonder…
Dear Heartbroken :(,
Unfortunately, this is a tale as old as time. Fortunately, you live in the 21st century, at the same time as the music industry herself, Ms. (soon-to-be Dr.) Taylor Swift. What you’re going to want to do is put together a Tay-Tay playlist that captures this particular combination of heartbreak and betrayal. Here are this humble Swiftie’s suggestions: “Picture to Burn,” “Should’ve Said No,” “You’re Not Sorry,” “Better Than Revenge,” “All Too Well (10-minute version),” “Bad Blood,” “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things,” “my tears ricochet,” and “it’s time to go.” Feel free to throw in Olivia Rodrigo’s “traitor” for good measure!