by Aidan Bennett '24 on November 4, 2023
Sports
It is comical to think that Kirk Cousins could be the NFL MVP. It’s an insane thought. It’s the kind of thought that makes you question what I’ve been watching. The question shouldn’t be what I’m watching, it should be what Cousins is watching. He’s watching everyone lose that he is going to face this season. I know that Cousins lost last week at home to the Buccaneers, but don’t worry—this is good news. Cousins passed for nearly 350 yards, two touchdowns and completed 75 percent of his throws. That loss is not on him. That loss only boosted his odds for MVP from +5000 to +6000. That’s some good value that needs to be pounced on.
A week to begin an MVP campaign takes great performances on the biggest stages. There are three primetime slots each week and the Vikings happen to play four times in these slots. The next of which is Thursday, Sept. 14 against the Eagles. Cousins is notorious for being horrific in the primetime. He’s as useless as an ashtray on a motorcycle when the whole nation is watching him play. What people fail to see is that this is a different Cousins than we have seen in years past. My key point of evidence is the facial hair that Cousins whipped out this preseason. He was patrolling the sidelines with a Hulk Hogan handlebar mustache. What does this indicate? This is a man ready to drop his macadamia nuts all over the NFL this season. He’s not afraid of the bright lights. Now you should be afraid of big old Kirky coming into town and running the score up on your sorry team. Hop on the Cousins bandwagon now, while you still can.