March 23, 2019

Tiff and Earl

posted on: Monday November 19, 2018

Dear Tiff and Earl,

My boyfriend will only answer someone when they refer to him as Darth Kicka**. He is failing school right now and our relationship is on the rocks. What should I do?

You’re my only hope,
Leia

 

Dear Leia,

Wowza, that is quite a predicament you’re in with this guy. I remember I had a boyfriend years ago who went by the name Mr. McClean, he was also failing school until I McCleaned his clock and knocked him back into shape. So I would recommend that you Darth Kick-His-A**. But, if violence isn’t your thing – which is totally fine! – I would recommend you invade the Forest Moon of Endor so you can disable his emotional shield generators and talk him back to the light side of the force.

The Force is with you always,
Tiff

 

Dear LeeLee,

First off, a relationship on the rocks sounds like my kind of drink, especially if there’s salt around the rim. Anyway, your boyfriend sounds like an uncultured loser and staying with him is a bad idea. I’d look for a guy who’s more…cosmogalactic, if you catch my drift.

In the Force,
Earl

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