Dear Tiff and Earl,
How do I treat the feral cats that live under my porch? They have conjunctivitis.
Paige “Peach” Calabrese
Adopt one as a pet! Duh! I am not entirely sure what conjunctivitis is, but who cares. You can be like Taylor Swift and her cats and take cute Instagrams and cat videos of them, and the world would think you are the chicest cat lover of all time.
Besides, in adopting this new Swiftie persona, if someone complains about contracting fleas or if the conjunctivitis is contagious, just say to the cats, “look what you made me do.”
In cats we trust,
Dear Crazy Cat Lady,
Treat? Cats love treats. You should give your cats treats, even though they hate you.
Also, keeping your cats under the porch is ill-advised. Cats prefer to be up high, like in the tops of trees. PERCH, not PORCH, lady.
Oh, you should get your pink eye checked out. Don’t let the cats catch it. When they catch things, they like to hold on with their claws.
Finally, there are serious warning signs to remember to avoid becoming a super crazy cat lady. If you feel urges to buy a feline-inspired vanity plate, crochet clothes for your cats, or hang needlepoint cat portraits on your wall, seek “immeowdiate” help.