Daddy, I Forgive You

by The Cowl Editor on November 30, 2018


by Jessica Polanco ’20

Daddy I forgive you
Although you’ll never get to see my daughters grow
I forgive you
Daddy the worst part is that you don’t know
I wonder if you weren’t sick and didn’t do it would there be more closure
Than your rotten subconscious forcing you to turn over
My kids might never get the courage to face you
Sad that they grow up hating what ain’t you but ate you
Dammit Dad I thought you had a bit more pride
Then to let it control you to a point of no rewind
Did you plan to see me in heaven
And hated the state you were in every day Execedrin
And Lithium
So you took us with you
In search of freedom
Maybe you took us early to free us from your fate
A genetic disease you wouldn’t want us to relate
But dammit Dad now I’ll never see them grow
Never put their dresses on for their first show
Never tell them what to do when they start liking boys
Can never see them off to prom or a wedding or my grandchildren cut the white noise
I don’t wanna hear it
Rather stay here on this planet just so I could be near it
My babies hearts
They need their mom and you pulled us apart
You who gave me life became my exit and my start
As my soul contemplates
On how to make peace with the results
One thing they can never teach us even when we’re adults
How to cope with the results of death in any way or form
But the way we died was the worst possible storm
Far from norm
And still I try and forgive
Remembering the man you were you had so much to give
And in one instance you took it all away
Closure on a paradox the bliss went to dismay
In one day
Your life will never be judged the same
Does it matter how they judged when you did your best to stay sane
It wasn’t your fault
It wasn’t your fault
Neurons and destiny
I just wonder if you wept for me
I can’t breathe
I can’t think
Something’s pulling me up
I don’t wanna leave, try
And open my eyes but they wont blink
Is this the end
As the violin sounds
I see you and mom holding me as a baby
I was only five pounds
But you said she’ll be a trooper nothings going to hold this one back
Sad to see you were the one to erase my path

Doves flying in the sky
Photo courtesy of