by Tom Brainy ’21
As the zombie plague spreads across the eastern United States, Providence College has been largely unaffected. The walls built in the beginning of the semester to separate the campus from surrounding neighborhoods appear to have succeeded in their purpose of protecting students from the disease—until now, that is.
Last Saturday, some students held a day party, otherwise known as a “darty,” in off-campus housing. Despite PC administration’s warnings to remain socially distant and to not interact with people outside of your pod, this darty appeared to violate those rules. Only a few days later, we have already started to see a spike in zombie infections among off-campus students.
“My roommate started to look a little sick a few days ago,” said John McWhite ’21. “I thought he was just hungover, until he tried to take a bite out of my arm!”
The zombie plague is known to mostly affect the elderly and at-risk populations. In severe instances, those infected attempt to eat the brains of non-infected people. In mild cases, symptoms may include an appetite for a carnivore diet and attempted cannibalism. While younger and healthier people tend to have more mild infections, they are still contagious if they bite non-infected people.
According to the Providence College Zombie Plague Protocol Team, around 100 students have reported being bitten or are suspected of being bitten, the vast majority of which attended last Saturday’s darty. Although those infected lived outside the protective wall, as students they were permitted to enter. As a result, cases spread inside the campus as well.
Fr. Ricard released a statement earlier today, stating, “I send everyone thoughts and prayers in this trying time. Even if you are at risk for having your brain eaten, you should still be hard at work studying for those midterms.” He did not respond to questions about the outbreak’s effect on the innocent residential population around the College.