by Elizabeth McGinn on April 15, 2021
Dear Tiff and Earl,
The squirrels are back, and they’re making it known. Despite being vaccinated, I’m still fearful. How do we defend ourselves against their attack?
I Draw the Line at Chipmunks
I hate to break it to you, but I think the vaccine only protects you from COVID-19, not from bushy-tailed woodland creatures. You can try staying away from trash cans and trees, but as the old saying goes, if you can’t beat them, join them. The army of squirrels on campus is too big for one person to combat, and as finals get closer and you start getting a little squirrely in the head yourself, you might realize that you have more in common with them than you think. As you try to make peace with them, remember that they can smell fear. Good luck!
Only Pfizer works against squirrel bites, so I hope you’re in luck! If not, and the reports are true, it’s time to fortify your location. Ruane seems like the best building to defend against the imminent squirrel invasion. Pile as many Civ books against the doors and hope for the best. I’d also advise carrying a bag of acorns in case the walls are breached. A final bargaining chip goes a long way. Best of luck against those nutty beasts!