Tiff and Earl

by Elizabeth McGinn on May 6, 2021


Dear Tiff and Earl,

I have found myself suffering from a bad case of senioritis as a freshman. Any cures?

Soon-to-be Sophomore


Dear Fresh Meat,

Finals week is coming and there is only one cure. Go to the bowels of the library where the light of day does not shine. Chain yourself to one of the desks or tables there. Eat and drink nothing but Dr. Pepper until you have completed all of your work. Speak to no one. If you find yourself desperate for food, a meager bag of chips is all you are allowed to consume. Depending on your schedule, the vending machine might run out of Dr. Pepper, in which case you must scour campus for your elixir of life. This is the only way and it has indeed been proven to be successful. If you need any further motivation at all, listen to the Braveheart freedom speech on repeat. This is the only way.

Tough lovingly,


Dear Frustrated Freshman,

Oh yes, I have something. Just think about the sweet, sweet halls of AQ that you get to roam next year. They’re filled with the highest quality amenities such as beige walls, doors that do not shut, and weird, little toilets in random corners. You’ll get to party in the lounge till 2 a.m. on a Tuesday before rolling out of bed for a Ray breakfast. Just don’t you dare step foot in the wrong side of the building or you will get expelled on the spot. Indeed, thoughts of AQ dancing in your head should power you through the end of the year!