by The Cowl Editor on December 9, 2021
Features
Dear Tiff and Earl,
My roommate and I are having a serious, friendship-breaking fight over something very important: who takes home our precious BOP fish over winter break? How should we determine who has the honor of bringing Mr. Guppy to their wonderful home?
Sincerely,
Certified Fish Parent
Dear Certified Fish Parent,
A wise old chappie named Solomon once faced this very problem. If you are familiar with your Old Testament—wait…you’re a PC student. Who are we kidding? Let me take a leaf out of his book (1 Kings, you putz). Go to your roommate and demand to divide little Mr. Guppy in two, so that you can both have him. Your roommate, unless she’s as crazy as a horse, will readily give up Mr. Guppy for his own good. Now if, on the other hand, she starts hunting for some fish-dividing implement, be prepared to take the fish and run. Either way, you may have won the fish but lost the war. You’ll probably need to find a new roommate.
Cheers!
Tiff
Dear Certified Fish Parent,
You and your roommate evidently both love Mr. Guppy and want the best for him. There’s only one thing to do in a serious situation such as this: let the law decide who his most suitable guardian is. Rulings on grand theft auto and homicide can wait—this is a matter that demands the court’s immediate attention. As long as you don’t have any dogs, cats, or seafood lovers at home, you should have a good chance of being awarded full custody.
Just keep swimming,
Earl
