Tiff and Earl

by The Cowl Editor


Features


Dear Tiff and Earl,

Lately, I have been just so tired and stressed after class that I’ve been sleeping the whole day away. Do you have any tips on how to relax after a long day of classes without going back to sleep?

Sincerely,
Sleeping Beauty

 

Dear Sleeping Beauty,

I have heard your case too many times. There is only one cure for this problem.

Step one: buy caffeine pills.
Step two: put one in your coffee.
Step three: throw the coffee in your face (hot coffee works best).
Step four: down the rest of the 24 caffeine pills and go get em!

Best,
Tiff

 

Dear Slumped,

Clearly you’re not fully immersed in the PC experience yet! You’re not really a part of the Friar Family until you’re taking six classes, doing a work study, informally tutoring all of your roommates, on the exec board for 11 clubs, playing an intramural sport, and somehow never missing a single Thursday night out. Soon enough you’ll learn that sleeping isn’t an option, because your schedule won’t allow it! Get used to canceling dinner with yourself (again).

I’m too busy for a salutation,
Earl

Tiff and Earl

by The Cowl Editor


Christmas


Dear Tiff and Earl,

My friend and I cannot settle this debate. He claims that Die Hard is just a movie that takes place during Christmas, while I argue that Christmas is one of the integral themes in this amazing movie. I was hoping you both could settle this debate. Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

Yippee ki yay,
Christmas Lover

 

Dear Christmas Lover,

Die Hard is my personal favorite Christmas movie of all time. Around the holidays, I always watch it with my family while we decorate. It’s such a fun tradition! My kids always love when the line comes up, and I scream, “Yippee Ki Yay Mother Lover!” at the top of my lungs. We then watch the Silent Night, Deadly Night saga!

Merry Christmas!
Tiff

 

Dear Yippie Lover,

There’s really no debate here, so please ignore that idiot Tiff. Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie any more than my mother is one of Santa’s reindeer. If you want an action movie at Christmas, look no further than Krampus. After all, instilling deep fear into young children is the best way to prepare them for the harsh realities of the real world. Rudolph, eat your heart out.

Watch out,
Earl 

Tiff and Earl

by The Cowl Editor


Features


Dear Tiff and Earl,

Halloween is over now, and I can’t be Scrappy Doo anymore. I am currently having an identity crisis. How do I be myself again?

Woefully,
Scrappy Don’t

 

Hi Scrappy Don’t,

First of all, thank you so much for asking us such a sensitive question. Second of all, you are going through what is commonly known as Halloween Costume Withdrawal Syndrome, or HCWS. Now, HCWS is a condition that affects 4 in 12 Americans annually. What I have found helps me find myself again is that I will watch something about my latest costume. This Halloween I was a Golden Retriever, and to make sure I didn’t lose myself I watched the classic Owen Wilson film Marley and Me. This way, I could become myself again through the film. I find movies where my costume dies at the end especially helpful in solidifying the eternal loss I feel after removing my costume each year.

Hope this helps!
Tiff

 

Dear Short Stuff,

I have no idea what a Scrappy Doo is, but I do know something about an identity crisis. I once shaved off my moustache and I couldn’t recognize myself in the mirror anymore. Every day I would ask…who is Earl? But with time and tears it eventually grew back in all its glory.

Does that help answer your question?
Earl

Tiff and Earl

by The Cowl Editor


Features


Dear Tiff and Earl,

What do people do here on Halloween? Is trick-or-treating still a thing and if so where? Because caffeine isn’t getting me through midterms and I need some candy asap.

Sincerely,
Sugar Fiend

 

Dear Sugar Fiend,

First off, let’s get this straightened out. I hate to break it to ya, but trick-or-treating is so 2000 and late. If you’re looking for the perfect candy-eating experience, just picture this. You’re sitting on your couch with your closest friends, 10 jumbo-sized bags of your favorite candies cover your body like a blanket as you simultaneously stuff your face and watch the all-too-familiar Halloweentown saga unfold. Suddenly, your cell phone rings. You’re feeling on the top of the world, sugar high and all, so you answer: I’m sorry, the old sugar fiend can’t come to the phone right now. Oh, why? Cause she’s dead!

XO,
Tiff

 

Dear Sugar Baby,

The only thing you’ll get from knocking on the doors along Eaton Street is a weird look and maybe a few empty plastic cups.

I’m not sure if your request for candy is some kind of newfangled euphemism for fooling around, but I can tell you that you certainly won’t be the only one at PC with such intentions on All Hallow’s Eve.

Sweetly,
Earl