Tiff and Earl

by Connor Zimmerman


Portfolio


Dear Tiff and Earl,

My roommate has commandeered our room to create a support group for Patriots fans due to their recent trauma of not getting into the Super Bowl. I’ve asked him to have his group meet elsewhere, but he told me, “You don’t understand the pain we are going through. We’ve lost our sense of who we are.” What should I do so that I can have my room back and not have to listen to them talk about the Patriots 24/7?

Sincerely,
Do your job elsewhere

 

Dear Willfuly Unemployed, 

Sounds like this is an unsanctioned club. Tell them they have to get approval from Student Activities, apply through Student Congress to see if they are deemed worthy of having a budget, and among other things, they must provide a statement defending the contribution that their organization will make to the PC community and sponsor at least two events. If they don’t, then one of the deans is going to have a word with them. These mopers should do their job.

Officially,
Tiff

 

Dear Pats Hater, 

Honestly, I can relate to your frustrations. All anyone cares about in New England is that Patriots cult and their smooch-forward leader, Tom Brady. Tell your roommates to take him out on Valentine’s  Day, and use the opportunity to call a locksmith and gain control of your room. In the words of Jesse Pinkman, “This is my own private domicile, and I will not be harrassed.” If your roommate has nothing more intelligent to speak about than the footy-ball sports-game, they don’t deserve to sleep in your presence.

Bitterly,
Earl