Tiff and Earl

by The Cowl Editor on November 30, 2018


Dear Tiff and Earl,

Why are all my professors assigning work before finals? How am I supposed to complete five papers in a week? On top of all this, my computer is completely dead. What should I do?

Mo Papers Mo Problems


Hey Mo Papers Mo Problems!

So, little known fact about myself…I used to be a college professor! Now, while I always did my best to teach the worst subjects in the best way, I, as a professor, always found assigning work before finals to be a great way to fully and completely break the will of my students so they could join my army of the dead. As far as your computer goes, so long as it turns on you should keep using it! Unless you’re comfortable selling your soul for a new one. But don’t! Your professors want that.



Dear Moo Moo,

Your professors are procrastinators, just like you. They don’t want to grade long papers before this week any more than you want to write them. As I see it, the only way to get back at them is to turn in all of your work no less than one week late. That way, they’ll be forced to grade them instead of getting holi-drunk with their extended family. Or you could fail. Who knows?

Study responsibly,