Tiff and Earl

by Connor Zimmerman on March 5, 2020


Dear Tiff and Earl,

March 6 is Dentist Appreciation Day, and I want to thank my dentist for all the pain, tears, and clean gums that she has given me. What can I give her to represent the complex and complicated relationship that I have with her, besides flossing?

Pearl E. White


Dear Grin,

Nothing says appreciation like a blanket woven out of floss. If the floss is used, even better. It shows your gift is personal and that you’re a good patient.



Dear Mother of Pearl, 

My dentist is always talking about how much he loves teeth. He loves teeth so much that he has devoted his life to cleaning teeth. That type of devotion deserves a special type of recognition. I got my dentist a life-size replica of my teeth made out of gold so that he can look at teeth whenever he wants to. I imagine that all dentists have a tooth fetish, so this gift should be universally loved among dentists.