God Star: A Holy Parody to “All Star” by Smash Mouth

by Elizabeth McGinn on March 25, 2021

Parody

Jesus playing guitar — Photo courtesy of deviantart.com

by Lil Wit ’21

Psalm 91 told Him the world ain’t gonna know Him
They put a crown of thorns on His head.
He was preaching kingdom come kind of hinting He’s the One
Who was sent by the One and True Godhead.

Well the Lord is loving and He don’t stop loving
Born as a man, the Jews knew of His coming
Didn’t make sense not to be the Son
He came to talk about kingdom come.
So much to do, so much to preach
So what’s wrong with telling a story?
You’ll never know if you don’t go
You’ll never die if you follow.

Hey now, he’s the Savior, get a move on, go pray
Hey now, he’s the Savior, take your cross up, get saved.
And all the teachings are told
Open up your heart, free your soul.

It’s a cruel place and they say it gets crueler
Nailed to a tree by a few Roman soldiers.
But Jesus Christ and death tend to differ
Judging by the holes that the three nails delivered.
The life you live is getting pretty grim.
But the Son of God came to save you all from sin.
My soul’s on fire, how about yours?
It’s all thanks to our Savior and the cross he bore.

Hey now, He’s the Savior, get a move on, go pray
Hey now, He’s the Savior, take your cross up, get saved.
And all the teachings are told
Open up your heart, free your soul.

Somebody once asked could I spare some time for Mass.
I need to get myself to the sacred space.
I said yep what a concept.
I could use the Eucharist myself.
And we could all have our souls be saved.

Well the Lord is loving and He don’t stop loving
Born as a man, the Jews knew of his coming
Didn’t make sense not to be the Son
He came to talk about kingdom come.
So much to do, so much to preach
So what’s wrong with telling a story?
You’ll never know if you don’t go
You’ll never die if you follow.

Hey now, He’s the Savior, get a move on, go pray
Hey now, He’s the Savior, take your cross up, get saved.
And all the teachings are told
Open up your heart, free your soul.
And all the teachings are told
Open up your heart, free your soul.

Friartire : Wish You Were Here: Separation Struggles for Desks and Chairs Everywhere

by The Cowl Editor on September 17, 2020

Features

desk chair — Photo Courtesy of pexels.com

by Lil Wit ’21

The only thing worse than getting picked last for the kickball team in your middle school gym class is being picked to be a blocked-off seat in classrooms during the pandemic. Accommodations for physical distancing have left many seats empty and purposely blocked off or removed. These chairs have only one job: to support the students and provide functionality as they pursue their academic endeavors. But since the virus has led to fewer seats in a room, many desks and chairs find themselves without purpose, abandoned, singled out, and forgotten. The left-handed desks are taking things especially hard because they usually feel left out, underappreciated, and like they only get picked by mistake or because someone walked in two minutes too late. One desk that formerly sat in Feinstein 116 but is now buried in the back corner of a storage closet requested that we publish this statement so its voice can be heard: “Being a left-handed desk is already enough of a struggle. Very few people can actually use me, and now the pandemic has made me feel even more useless. The only thing that kept me going was knowing that I could make some left-handed student happy by giving them a place to rest their arm while they write and make them feel special about their left-handedness. I like to think that I make a difference on this campus, but apparently it’s not noticeable enough to get me out of this black hole of forgotten chairs and broken dreams. One day, I hope to see the outside world again.” The College has done the best it can to accommodate everyone while going above and beyond with safety regulations, but unfortunately the administration cannot please everyone. PC chairs and desks are tough, though, and they will not give up hope that someday they will be able to repopulate classrooms to their full capacity.

Friartire: PC Squirrels vs. Corona

by The Cowl Editor on September 3, 2020

Portfolio

Cartoon squirrel holding a nut — Photos courtesy of pixels.com and pixy.org. Graphic design by Sarah Kirchner ’21

by Lil Wit ’21

One of the most noticeable things about coming back to campus this semester is the spaced-out people and the ubiquitous masks. The administration has been working very hard to make sure that everyone is staying safe and following protocols. Even Friar Dom has a special mask. However, there are some members of the campus community who do not seem to be adapting well to this temporary, yet new way of life: the campus squirrels. They’ve had it easy while campus has been unpopulated for the summer, but now that students are coming back, they are going to be held to the same standards as everyone else. I would hate to be the squirrel RA breaking up all the squirrel parties this semester. You can tell by the acorn wreckage and lack of bushy tails on Saturday mornings that they like to celebrate after a hard week. The College has yet to come out with potential disciplinary actions to administer to the squirrels who fail to comply with the guidelines. None of the squirrels seem to be wearing masks, and they are not setting a good example for the students. When asked about the squirrels’ lack of compliance, Fr. Joseph Schmoe replied, “We’re all making sacrifices here. Living outdoors and in a tree wouldn’t excuse any student from wearing a mask and physically distancing, so we shouldn’t be making exceptions.”

Friartire: The Beast is Stirring

by The Cowl Editor on October 10, 2019

Features

By Lil Wit ’21

It’s getting to that time of the year. The leaves are slowly falling, just like students’ spirits because midterms are on the horizon.

Studies show that students dread midterm week for several reasons. For one, midterm week never lasts a single week. It’s drawn out like those civ papers that are supposed to be five pages but we only have three and a half pages of somewhat decent stuff to say. Reportedly, some students insist that it can feel like midterms go on for three weeks.

Leonard ’20 explained, “First you have those classes that have three exams per semester, so they face that class first. Once you survive that trial, you suffer through the classes that have actual midterms, and by the time you overcome (or at least) survive that beast it’s time for exam two for your other classes. Throw some papers on top of it and we’re all a wreck.”

Students slowly start to regret not doing the homework, but they face the first exams with light in their eyes and confidence in their abilities. After an intense and soul-draining struggle, they realize that this is only the beginning and there will be no mercy no matter how many tears they shed. This is it, this is their fate.

Some have broken the system and have found a way to combat midterms. They study regularly, ask questions, and actually do the reading. These people sit in the exam room, silently winning the battle while the others fight for their lives (I mean grades).

Only some will emerge triumphant, studies say.Dr. Strange from the Psychology department commented on the nature of midterms: “We just want to make sure that the students are learning and retaining the information. We don’t design them to be impossible or unfair. A lot of thought goes into the nature of our exams.”

Oh, civ professor, little do you know that the midterm beast has brainwashed you….